A (not so) neatly pakaged life.

[rblyl (deleted)]

For a couple of months now I have been isolating quite a bit. I check caller I.D. and 9 times out of 10 haven't been answering. Co-workers have complained that I don't even clean out my mailbox so they can leave a message. The people there I used to talk to I just see at work and when I come home..shut the door and shut most else out, this also includes my aunt and that has caused problems as her and I were close. In short, I have been angry at my job, and have shut the people out around me for the most part with only occasional communication. Today the phone started ringing again..and I thought about whats the worst that could happen if I picked it up and just listened. So the person at the other end was shocked first that I even answered..then went on as it used to be..his boyfriend problems, house buying stress, the "b*tches" in the other department, ect. Shortly after we ---- up..another call from another co-worker..same thing.And I thought, "you know this isn't so bad knowing these people." I had been in a frame of mind where 'oh sick of thier personal and department drama, ect.' But really if that kind of stuff bothered me I would not do the job I do..it's all about drama and adrenalin. I would drown in a life that was predictable..the truth is one cannot grow up the way I did, get dropped off in suburbia or something, and expect to be able to deal with it happily..and no amount of 'counselling' would fix that. And I dont want it fixed. The way we are raised does have a lasting impact, but thats not all bad..it makes us different and how awful if we were all the same I think. Sometimes I look at someone and think 'oh they are so normal compared to me', and feel I need to conform more or fix something...but then, although I do like a measure of stability for my kids, if I felt things were TOO normal for too long I would get restless. One of my fears used to be that my kids would see me as not like other moms and feel jipped somehow. Well, one of my good old friends back in Washington State told me that he ran into my oldest son out there and spent the day with him..and proceeded to tell my son about the way I used to be, ect. I was mortified at first, now it's funny in that my son actually seems real interested in knowing me and wanting to talk often. Maybe it is a great thing....to not always be able to fit neatly in the roles people want to assign to us. And just enjoy who we are and the, sometimes, dramatic people we wind up knowing? At least it isn't dull.

Lovely day to all.

Rebelyell

[blackfootedgirl]

`rblyl said in the post above me "Sometimes I look at someone and think 'oh they are so normal compared to me',".
I have heard a saying that "The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well" .
They are probably thinking the same about you!

[johnmarlon (deleted)]

The idea of "being normal" placed into our brains in this cultural surrounding, really can ---- with peoples heads whether they think it does or not. Everyone can think back to a time when they weren't in a so called "normal" state. A lot of people choose to be disdainful towards individuals they deem to be different. I for one am guilty of doing that but I'm thinking more as I go along, and I know I am capable of acting in a more respectful manner. I guess it's just so easy to be disdainful since I'm not showing it towards the person but I know it's still not right for me to be thinking that way.

If you're personality allows you to be capable at conversing with people close to you, I'm not sure it would be wise to go too long without contact. Especially with your aunt, family is always family and that tie can't be undone.

[blackfootedgirl]

`Every ones perception of what is considered "normal" is different for each person due to their experiences, upbringing, culture and genetic hard wiring you are born with as well as the way people in time change their perceptions due to changes in the social "norm".
I had people at work that would B*t*h about their problems, but do nothing about them even though they asked everyone for advice but didn't utilize it. So I got tired of it and told them,I would listen to their problems if they were actively working towards a solution, if not then I don't want to hear about it! It saved me from listening from their complaining
Maybe you are mentally burned out from the constantly overload of everyones drama and you need time to sit back and regroup, it can be emotionally and physically draining of your energy and you come away exhausted.
After your break to take care of you, you'll probably come back feeling rested and ready to go again.
For what its worth I would let my Aunt know whats up so she doesn't think it was something she did.

[rblyl (deleted)]

`All Right...I have not only talked to but actually did spend time with my aunt today.(lol)..she knows I go through somewhat anti-social phases from time to time. Her and I have a long and not usual history together and she knows it as she used to be my 'Party partner' back in "the day", before it came to an abrupt halt for me..sometimes I get tired of hearing "when you WERE fun", ect.. and she knows it, but we always get over that until the next time. But she knows I will always be there if she really needs me so...

About "normal"..it IS a mind f*ck...to always have before a person what is expected of you if you are 'normal', and if a person dosen't follow there is a measure of gossip..or contempt. Cause there are always going to be those people around who hold themselves up on a pedastal and the great judge of others.

And drama?? yeah..lots of it where I work..and I do know a couple of drama"queens", but when I think of it, I wouldn't have it any other way. Maybe it is perspective?.. if everyone I knew was PTA material, or could parrot Melody Beatty from memory..yuck!..I would want to run out of my life screaming. I can be an ingrate almost by nature at times..but to stand outside myself and look into my life--sometimes it is humorous. Yes, I DO get annoyed when I get a call at 2 a.. when I have to be up for work at 4 a.m. and when I say I am sleeping..to hear "oh fine..no one cares anyway so I am going to quit the job and move.."..what do I do?? I get up and make a pot of coffee and listen. The reason..that is my chosen friend and I chose them BECAUSE they have a lot of good in them, and I dont seek to change my friends..I take the package, and they ALL seem to have a 'spark', to seek to change them in anyway may just squelch that.

I didnt mean the original post here to be a negative about my life... I wouldn't want anyones life but my own when it comes down to it. But I am not at all immune from feeling that maybe I should feel bad for the things I do struggle with..seeing people and thinking "i will bet she knows what she will be doing next week, month, year.." all the while I am sitting on my hands to not up and move again..somewhere..because it feels "normal" to me to do that, then I look at my kids and feel guilty for those thoughts. But this is me..I am not ashamed of it. I will always be a work in progress, and thats alright! But there are times my worst enemy IS my own perspective.

[blackfootedgirl]

I didn't get a negative impression from what you first said, I think it happens to us all at one time or another, we can all relate to your situation in our own way.

[rblyl (deleted)]

`that's what I always hope, when someone can read what is written and see similarities.. to thier own lives. Important because I believe a person always finds what causes division among people, is where evil is to be found. Even in old legends..the underlying intent of "evil" is to divide..separate. But thats a whole other topic!