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Does age difference matter in relationship?
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loveternal
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Posted:     Post subject: Does age difference matter in relationship?

I am more concerned about how emotionally mature a man is. In my experience (so far), it seems like most older men are more emotionally stable than younger men. As a result, most of my relationships have been with men who were anywhere from 15 to 30 years older than me.

Smile

But not all older men are emotionally balanced. I have met a few older men who were more immature than men who are the same age as me.

So for me, age is not a deciding factor when entering a relationship, as long as he is legal.... and is also emotionally secure.

Smile


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chosnazzy
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Posted:     Post subject:

It's good idea to come up with questions to ask potential partners that will reveal how emotionally secure or insecure they are. For example, are they really at peace with their previous relationships. It's good to ask those over Skype, that way you can see their body language and hear their tone of voice, as those will reveal a lot of unspoken information.

But also, sometimes questions from them can reveal their insecurities, as well. Like, when someone asks you how many partners you have had. It seems guys get all freaked out when a girl says she has had a lot of relationships in her past. And if she is at peace with her previous partners to the point where she can talk with them without problem, lots of times insecure guys will get their speedos all in a knot about that.

But yeah, emotional "age (or intelligence)" is more important than biological "age". That's why I don't think it's a problem when two people are together and they have a huge age difference, as usually they are emotionally-spiritually-mentally-physically compatable, as well as being compatable in other areas. And like you said, as long as its legal.

Smile



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loveternal
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Posted:     Post subject:

I know some people worry about the time when the older one will get so old that he or she will need additional help because of medical reasons and such. But I think when two people are really in love, they adapt to the changes while managing to increase their love for each other. But more importantly, if they are emotionally healthy, they will focus on the present moment and nurture their love through lea Ing from difficulties to enjoy blessings.

And you never know, maybe the younger partner will experience something in which he or she will need more help. We cannot worry about what has not arrived yet. This is why I am always saying to focus on the present moment.

If we are constantly worrying about the future, we will have no stable healthy foundation in our lives. Then for sure our lives will become more chaotic than necessary. If we shun something away because we are too concerned about what we think its future might be, we could be missing a really good time. Even if it does not work but we were emotionally healthy during that time, we learned something from it and we had a great time while doing it, too. So it was still worth it! It was a pleasurable life lesson! This is about non-linear thinking. Even Lovemaking is more everything exponentially when there is emotional maturity.

My best experiences were mostly with men much older than me. But we focused on each other at the present moment more than our age difference, which are just numbers. And sometimes we had to part for reasons that had nothing to do with our age difference.

Smile

Currently, I am talking with a man who is about 30 years older than me and he is worred that he is too old for me. But I am trying to show him that I do not go by biological age, but by emotional maturity. And that is making him feel better. He is really sweet and respectful, which are two very important ingredients to being in a friendship with me. And friendship is the best thing upon which to build anything beautiful.


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moonlitsongbird
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Posted:     Post subject:

`Emotional maturity and stability are very important, and sometimes come with age and experience (although I've met more than enough older, even elderly, people whose emotional maturity I would have expected to see in high school... It's more about the individual than their age).

I do agree that as long as someone is legally able to be in a relationship with someone else, there should be nothing to prevent them from doing so but themselves.

I focus within about 10 years of my age, primarily for life expectancy reasons. At 24, if I were to marry someone who is 57, I might be lucky to have them when I'm 50.

On one hand, you get to spend some time with someone you love, and you never really know how long either of you have, or whether the relationship will make it until death separates you... On the other hand you may very well have been just as happy with someone you could expect to grow old with, if the relationship lasts until death, and loved them just as much or more.

It's not a deal breaker... but they would have to be more than just a diamond in the rough.
They would have to be my tanzanite (considerably more rare a diamond)... I can find a few diamonds in my own age group, or just slightly out of it. There's little reason for me to trade one of them up for an equivalent person who I cannot genuinely expect to cherish for as long.

"If we are constantly worrying about the future, we will have no stable healthy foundation in our lives. Then for sure our lives will become more chaotic than necessary." - That's true in as much as worry might inhibit progress... But if you're always too consumed with the present, you're more likely to have chaos later on than if you do think about the future and what it may bring. You have to weigh the odds.

If you don't have insurance and never built up an emergency savings account because you figured nothing in your life would ever be unexpected... you're screwed. "I didn't think it could happen to me," is a very weak excuse for a great many things.

If you don't save for retirement, then when you have to retire (as many do), either you're screwed or whoever decides to take responsibility for you is screwed. It's very unlikely that you'll win a million dollars to dump into retirement, ever... So you have to do it on your own.

Love helps, as long as you're still you when you're old, and a great many elderly people are still who they once were... but I've seen too many people who were too close to me become someone entirely different as they got older and their mental health deteriorated...

People who were once loving and gentle turned into monsters who would just as soon break one or more of your bones as look at you or anyone else... because something in them had broken. After a few years of that, with it getting worse and the doctors not being able to do anything to help them, the love for that shell goes away. They are no longer the person they once were, so the love ceases to grow with your trying to nurture and care for them and turns only into fear and pain.

I can understand how one can be too consumed with what might happen, the "what ifs", because there's no guarantee for anything. But it's comparable to having insurance. You don't get it because you expect your car to be broken into, your house to catch fire, your legs to be broken, etc... You get it because you see that possibility down the road, and you want to be prepared.

I don't expect to be prepared to watch someone I love dying when I should still have a good chunk of life ahead of me... I've actually been very close to that once, with someone who is a few months younger than I am (so I know about the unexpected)... but you KNOW that if you don't die before your time you will have to go through that with someone who is considerably older than you are.

I'm not trying to discourage you from seeing your romantic interest by any means. I'm simply sharing my own view, and the whys for how I approach such things.

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loveternal
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Posted:     Post subject:

Dont worry, you are not discouraging me in the least.

As I said earlier, when going down that route, if it is really love, you will find a way to deal with things. And yes people change, I am totally aware of that. But I will worry about that when it happens, should it happen. And if it does, then I will deal with it at that time, as I stay focused in the present moment. I dont enter relationships with the hope that it will last forever because that is a very unrealistic expectation. I enter them to have a good time. And should it end, then so be it. I will deal with it.

And if something were to happen to me, and he leaves me. I will deal with that, as I am the only one who is responsible for my life. And after healing from even that kind of relationship, I will still have had a good time through it all. I dont have any regrets, grudges or gripes conce Ing any of my relationships in my past, as I learned from all of those experiences. And lea Ing is always a good thing. Even when it is about lea Ing how not to do something.

I am also an independent woman, I have my investments to take care of me in the future. I dont limit myself to a certain age, as I said earlier biological age does not mean mental and emotional age are all at the same level.

What works for some may not make sense to others, and thats ok. We all have to walk down our own paths and make choices and make the best of the circumstances. As long as we can do that, we have a good ride. We all have our own visions. and we all have our own capabilities in such that some of us are able to do more than others. And thats ok, that does not mean one is better than the other. It just means that some people are capable of doing certain things more than others.

So again, dont worry, you are not discouraging me in the least. Your argument only strengthens me in mine. And that is a good thing and I thank you for that.


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moonlitsongbird
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Posted:     Post subject:

`"If it is really love" applies to physical decline and some forms of mental deterioration (not being able to remember things as well), but it doesn't apply to when/if they genuinely change (with my father, it was like his soul died and his body survived to be inhabited by something else).

I do see your points, for the most part. In some cases it's genuinely worth it, and because you can never guarantee that you'll avoid the risks with someone your own age, or face them with someone well beyond your age, it should stand to reason that it doesn't matter.

In the 24/57 example it's entirely possible that they would live to be 104, and I would die around 74 and not have to worry at all about their death.

The unknowns are why I can't say age would really be a deal breaker for me. But in order for me to risk the increased odds of everything ending in misery, they really do have to be "more" than what I would usually expect: more compatible, more spiritual, more caring, etc.

It's actually fairly interesting that the more I talk about it the more I think I understand your point: Because I'm thinking "in other words: they would have to be someone I considered potentially being worth having a few years or more with and then potentially choosing to be alone for the remainder of my years," and yet the same applies to anyone my age. And for the most part I've already made the decision to remain alone unless I meet someone who fits that.)

Lol. Pretty much I guess it doesn't matter where I stand, since I'm pretty much a solo flier anyway. (I have reasons to avoid dating regardless... I consider my son my priority, and right now that takes enough of my time. -shrugs-) In time I may find someone who is worth it, and it wouldn't matter to me at that point what age or gender they are, etc.

Until that point everything is a preference.

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chosnazzy
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Posted:     Post subject:

I agree with Loveternal, in that it takes a special kind of person to do that kind of wide age difference relationship successfully. Not everyone is cut out for something like that. But there definitely are those who are VERY capable of it. If both partners are intelligent, emotionally and mentally, they will take into account everything that is going to be a concern further down the road. They will be able to talk about future concerns openly and without judgment. But really, that is only the natural thing to do in any relationship, regardless of age difference.

Those who are not intelligent about it are headed for potentially, troubling difficulties. But again, this argument is true for people who are in the same age range, as well.

I have a very good friend named Connie, who is 41 years old. And her husband was 92 years old. They were married for 15 years, and then he passed on. When I first met them, I was shocked at the numbers. Wow! A 51 year age difference! But as I got to know them, I realized they were timeless people. They were both non-linear thinkers. They knew what they were getting into and they enjoyed every minute of their lives together. And he set her up financially so she would never have to work again after his death.

They first met when she was 21 years old and he was 72 at the time. At first, they were friends, as they had similar interests and hobbies. And then after a year, it developed into a loving relationship. And they were very open with their discussion about everything they could think of conce Ing the future and to prepare for it. He set up his will so that she would be financially taken care of for the rest of her life, and that she would inherit all his property. And once that was settled, they decided to enjoy each other as much as possible, to savor every moment and celebrate life in the "here and now". Then they got married when she was 26 years old and he was 77.

She knew that the day would come that he would be in the hospital and she did not want to miss out on that. She felt that since she knew him best, she decided to become a nurse. And a few years later, she began working as a nurse specializing in geriatric care. This way she could prepare herself for what eventually will come, so she would be ready for it. But he was a very strong, healthy and virile man. And I truly believe that their being non-linear thinkers played a role in his longevity.

They traveled the world, experiencing life to the fullest, during her holidays. He told her that she did not have to work, but she insisted on it. And eventually, he was ok with her decision, as she was happy with her career.

Life was great for them, and their marriage was a success. They made it through difficult times, and their love for each other grew exponentially from those times. When people met them, they soon realized that their love was real and that their age difference was totally insignificant.

His health was good until he turned 89 years old, 12 years after they married each other. He was in and out hospital. But mostly, he was at home and eventually had to be confined to a wheel chair. But since she was a trained nurse in geriatric care with over 15 years of experience by this time, she knew exactly what to do. They bought a van for physically handicapped people, so she could take him for drives so he would not feel couped up at home. And they were still able to travel within Germany. And they still had good times.

Soon after he turned 92 years old, his body just began to give out. And eventually he passed on in peace with his wife and friends, including me, around his bedside. That was the most beautiful experience I ever had conce Ing that kind of situation. There was no "goodbye forever" feeling at all. It was more like a "thank you" kind of experience. And it was sacred.

After the funeral, we all came around Connie and helped her through her loss. She was incredible through it all. Instead, it turned out that she comforted us. She told me she was so thankful for that experience, and that she would never have traded that for anything. She said that she learned so much and learned to appreciate things that really matter in life. She said that as their friendship was developing, she could see he was more than what he physically appeared to be. She did not see an "age". she saw a man with a beautiful soul and energy, and she felt good surrounded in that energy. And then she fell in love with him, and he with her.

I really learned a lot from this couple. This couple is one of the few people who I can say that my life has become better from being friends with both of them. As I became friends with him, I soon understood what she was talking about. He was old enough to be my grandfather, but he became my friend, as well.

He told me how it was during World War II, and how his brother did not want to fight for the Nazi's. And when his brother refused to join the Nazi army, he was shot and killed by the Nazi's. His mother told him that what was going on in Germany at that time was really not good. He told me of the horrors he saw. And that inspired him to fight for what was right, so he became a civil rights attorney and defended those who could not afford to defend themselves. He fought for Jewish people especially. He said that his mother taught him to enjoy enjoy life as much as possible and to learn as much as possible from difficult times.

I considered it a blessing time, when I visited him and I would ask him questions about his life. It was such a pleasure to listen to him talk. He was like a grandfather to me. But at the same time, he was like a brother-warrior to me, too. And I think he really liked it that he now had a Native friend.

He was an exceptional man, and Connie is an exceptional woman. They were one hell of a combination! And as I said earlier, my life has become that much better in quality because of having both of them as my close personal friends.

So yes, relationships with wide age differences are very possible and can be successful. But you have to be emotionally intelligent, so you will attract that, as well. In this way, both of you will be able to talk about future concerns openly and without judgment. Likewise, if you are not smart about it, most likely your partner will not be, either. But as I said previously, all of this is true regardless of the age of both partners in the relationship.

So Loveternal, whoever you are talking to is one lucky guy Smile


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loveternal
(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

Gosh that was a sweet and very inspirational story, Chosnazzy! I almost used up a kleenix box reading that Smile

I think a couple has to connect mentally, spiritually, physically but especially emotionally. Emotionally intelligent people know that s-- is more than just penetration and that it begins in the mind and heart working together.

And Chosnazzy, thank you for your words. Yes he is lucky, but so am I Smile

Incidentally, can you speak German?

Smile


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loveternal
(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

chosnazzy wrote:
...If both partners are intelligent, emotionally and mentally, they will take into account everything that is going to be a concern further down the road. They will be able to talk about future concerns openly and without judgment. But really, that is only the natural thing to do in any relationship, regardless of age difference.

Those who are not intelligent about it are headed for potentially, troubling difficulties. But again, this argument is true for people who are in the same age range, as well.

...

So yes, relationships with wide age differences are very possible and can be successful. But you have to be emotionally intelligent, so you will attract that, as well. In this way, both of you will be able to talk about future concerns openly and without judgment. Likewise, if you are not smart about it, most likely your partner will not be, either. But as I said previously, all of this is true regardless of the age of both partners in the relationship.

I agree with what you say, Chosnazzy. These statements are really true for all relationships regardless of the ages of the partners.

Conce Ing the unhealthy aspects of a relationship with a wide age difference, sometimes that might be because something traumatic may have happened to the woman when she was a really young girl. Or maybe another similarly related, but still unhealthy, reason influenced her to only choose older men.

But not all wide age relationships are the same, because not everyone is the same. And some of us are just more capable of it in a healthy way than others are.

Smile


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lily4567
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Posted:     Post subject:

`It's a beautiful story Chosnazzy !! But I would like to know if this woman had children with this husband?

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chosnazzy
(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

Good question! She was not able to have children, but she came to peace with that earlier in her life before she met him.

I also think the decision to have children depends on the couples. Not every couple is the same, and some might be capable of handing children, while in other situations, it might not be a good thing. But it really depends on how each person is, because we are all different. Hence, what may work for one relatonship may not work for another.


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loveternal
(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

chosnazzy wrote:
Not every couple is the same, and some might be capable of handing children, while in other situations, it might not be a good thing. But it really depends on how each person is, because we are all different. Hence, what may work for one relatonship may not work for another.

I agree, as human behavior is not mechanistic. So you cannot say that all relationships with wide age gaps will be the same.

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chosnazzy
(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

Yes, exactly. And like I said earlier, these kind of things have to be discussed very early on, in not only these kind of relationships, but in all relationships, because this is part of being responsible to yourself and to each other, as well as to the relationship. IF not, then when the difficulties and problems arrive, they will appear more overwhelming than they need to be.



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chosnazzy
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Posted:     Post subject:

loveternal wrote:
...can you speak German?

Smile

Yes, I can speak German but not fluently. And now I am trying to learn to speak French. I can say a few things in French, but those are the kind of things you can only say to one person. So if I go to a store somewhere in France, I cannot say to the clerk "Pardon moi, millions de bisous pour toi Chéri." Because she might slap me Smile

loveternal wrote:
...human behavior is not mechanistic.

This is true because humans have volition.

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lily4567
(deleted)









Posted:     Post subject:

chosnazzy wrote:
loveternal wrote:
...can you speak German?

Smile

Yes, I can speak German but not fluently. And now I am trying to learn to speak French. I can say a few things in French, but those are the kind of things you can only say to one person. So if I go to a store somewhere in France, I cannot say to the clerk "Pardon moi, millions de bisous pour toi Chéri." Because she might slap me Smile

loveternal wrote:
...human behavior is not mechanistic.

This is true because humans have volition.

Exclamation Exclamation Wink

You learn now french with me !!! With your Chérie !! Chosnazzy you are for me !!! Smile

Yes !!! It's true !!! Smile If you say that in french they are not understand why you say that !!! Smile but you never know french womans love beautiful mans !!
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