MYTHS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

[57roger (deleted)]

`she yoh ya'll..........i believe this way......if it happens and you continue to be in a situation that is violent or abuse, then you come a participant. with all the laws and shelters ther are choices. hard choices yes......but yet a choice

[(deleted)]

`I mean no offense, nor are my words in any way angry. Yet I do not see how knowing martial arts, whether mixed or a single discipline, is relavant in terms of being abused or dealing with it's after effects. Neither is it just so simple to walk away as you say you would. I used to think I would and could merely walk away should I encounter that in a relationship. I now know differently. Since then I have vowed never to tolerate anything, Whether it's as simple as being treated in an unfair way, or all out abuse. Anyway I'm not sure if you have dealt with it or not as your post seems vague on that particular area. If so, I'm sorry you had to go through that, no person deserves that at all. If not, until you've lived through any sort of abuse you can never know what it does to a person. How they are physically and mentally scarred. Just to be clear I never felt lucky to have the one who abused me in my life. I felt a lot of things, but that wasn't one of them. Neither did I ever think I couldn't do better. I very much knew I could. I just couldn't get out!! I don't know if I was an anomoly in terms of that or if there are others who feel that way too, still the only time I ever felt lucky was the day I told him that we were done, and the day he finally stopped pursueing me with cards letters and on Email. 57roger I will agree that in a sense the one who is being abused has become a participant, though it is not a willing particaipation. No one just deicides to participate in such cruelty. Either that's all they knew as a child and they see it as normal, or a person gets sucked into that, and before they know it, it's become a vicious cycle. By then the one being abused has either been so brainwashed into thinking that it is ok, that they deserve this sort of treatment and so they don't do anything. Or there is a hopeless feeling in them and they don't know what to do to get out. Some are so afraid for their lives because the person has threatened to kill them, and or their child or someone else they cherish so they stay. They stay to protect themselves that child or other person. In any case, it's just the one takeing the abuse gets so far down in a hole they generally can't get out on their own. They need the help of a friend, family even a coworker when they try and make that break. God help them when they do as it's in leaveing where the greatest risk is.

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`horses06, calm down you are defenetly right..like all the other women who answered to this topic... but men are cool... we are needy, men are leaving with a snap of their fingers....women get hysterical, men use their brain...we always seem to loose our...men just move on and walk away...to mess up the life of another woman.. but in the long run I can see..women develope...men stay in their own cool slavery...how deeply must a man have been hurt in his own childhood to be able to snap it away...
straighteyes

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`I forgot: if it is so easy to move away and to use law and order..why are so many people on alc or taking drugs...no law and order for them? no choices for them? so this goes out to all this cool guys who are able to manage every situation ..use your brain before you open up your mouth !!!

I have to explain : I do not hate men Iam tired of all those male farts....

[(deleted)]

57roger wrote: `she yoh ya'll..........i believe this way......if it happens and you continue to be in a situation that is violent or abuse, then you come a participant. with all the laws and shelters ther are choices. hard choices yes......but yet a choice

A TYPICAL STATEMENT FROM A MAN!!!
It is easy to make comments about what you would do or why women stay in a relationship. Laws don't save you from a gun pointed at your head, try to call the law when that is happening!! Shelters are not everywhere and sometimes you can't even get into one, and then just trying to escape is another problem and the time when you are in most danger!! All I can say is until you've been there SHUT THE F@CK UP!!!!USE YOUR OTHER HEAD TO THINK WITH!!!
N.W.A.A.

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`well said,sister...

straighteyes

[merinass (deleted)]

straighteyes wrote: Over the holidays I had a lot of women in my practise that have been victims of abuse. And I am astonished how many people think that these women are responsible for this abuse and think that it is easy to leave. That´s why I post about the myths on here, it is sad..but reality.
1.) Many people think that it is easy to leave an abusing partner. That is absolutely wrong! Women who do not leave have a lot of reasons to stay but that does not mean that the situation is ok or that they enjoy their lifes. It is a fact that the most dangerous time for a woman is the time when she starts to think about leaving or when she tries to leave.
2.) Nobody deserves to be hit. It is against the law! Even among family members all kinds of abuse are a crime. No person who gets abused is responsible for the abuse. There is only one person who is responsible for it, the abuser!
3.)Families are the basic of a good working society and a family which is not integrated because of abuse is the problem of the society and not only among the partners. Many women are killed in this way and abusers who use violence against women also often abuse children! Abuse in a family affects everyone.
4.)Abuse or domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships, not only poor women or coloured women are victims. Victoms of violence can be found in every class, ------ orientation or culture. There are many places on this earth where nobody cares about the life of a woman or a child.
5.) The roots of domestical violence are not alcohol, drug abuse or mental illness. The root is control. Often they go along with domestic violence and are often used as excuse. But domestic violence is learned and the abuser has choosen to use it. But you always got the choice...not every victim turns into an culprit.

straighteyes exactly. it is far harder for a woman to leave. Mentally it is very hard. I had one of those as a husband..and you know what..he actually had me questioning myself..thinking maybe I wasn't doing things right or maybe it was my fault. I did leave and really have only had one serious relationship since then..that has been over ten years ago. ]
Today I am a completely different human all together. Today..you don't so much as raise your voice and Gods help you if you call me some sort of name that isn't honey, sugar or affectionately associated. Today..I don't play.

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`Hi Merinass, nice to see you back " on track ". You survived, you left and transformed into a woman who would fight back nowadays. You had the luck of one serious relationship since then, many will never have and lots of them who have will always have to fight with the scarves on their souls that old treatment left as a living memory.
straighteyes

[merinass (deleted)]

straighteyes wrote: `Hi Merinass, nice to see you back " on track ". You survived, you left and transformed into a woman who would fight back nowadays. You had the luck of one serious relationship since then, many will never have and lots of them who have will always have to fight with the scarves on their souls that old treatment left as a living memory.
straighteyes

I just moved and got my net service back on..LOL
I learned to listen to my gut for one. If something doesn't feel right then I don't question it..I cut off all communication.
Thing of it is this. Getting out is one thing..but after that it is on the womaqn to get healing. I know how it is because I have been there, but still I hold each woman 100% responcibkle for her own healing and to learn not to get the same type of man back in her life again. I have not had a violent bf since then. I have had a lot of casusal relationships and one serious one..but none of them were ever remotely abusive. I also know that no matter what..where there is a will there is a way out. There are people that will help you and usually the challenge is contacting them. I see it this way..if you can make it out of the house to go shopping or to wrok..you can get out permanently..even if it is the close on your back, getting the kids out of school and spending the grocery money in the gas tank..some one somewhere will help you.

[novemberpain (deleted)]

I can say because of my experiences as a survivor of child abuse,, and domestic violence, that domestic violence is hard on everyone. The children are witnesses, the mothers locked in a hellish existance that only they can get themselves and their children out of. Abuse Shelters can be terrible places to go. I was beaten as a child, and as a woman i didn't even like myself. I had no self confidence and yearned to be loved. I got involved with the wrong men for the wrong reason, and made ignorant decisions. I was involved with 2 different native men who were controlling, physically, emotionally,and verbally abusive. I have dealt with being raped,beaten, stabbed, having a miscarriage, and had my life threatened. I loved these 2 men, and didn't love myself, enough to see the warning signs. It was hard to leave my ex husband. Our daughter wanted him to stay but she didn't understand how a man could abuse a woman and still claim to love her. I didn't want her to think that all native men are like her dad, and that it is acceptable for native women to be treated like i was. The hardest thing i ever did was walk away from the man i called my husband, my protector, and the father of my child. Living on the rez was painful because if i left him, i had his relatives to deal with, and no one to protect me from them. I moved back to where i grew up, got a divorce, and went back to church. I am concentrating on our daughter, on our cherokee culture, and getting on my feet. I have my freedom, my self confidence back, and i can love again, some day.I want to help other native women realize that REAL LOVE isn't abusive, or controlling. I hope this helps another native woman to see that she is beautiful, special, and she has the right to be happy, her freedom, and to be able to protect herself. Enough said. "Peace"

L.Taylor/makt65

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`that was touching,novemberpain..that is the road of healing...

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`This one is going out to all those abused women, women who showed a strong feeling heart, full of beats of life. Women with courage like hugger, squinto, zoupi, horses06, novemberpain and all the others who suffered alot and are able to life a "normal" life with all of that bumps on their souls. When I started this issue I never thought of such an echo and it is once more hard to realize about the cruelty going on between both genders. It is good to see that these women are " feeling" their feelings and are not "feeling" in busy thoughts or just standing besides them. Feeling yourself and staying true to yourself is a real long procedure of healing and nothing you snap away and stay cool from that moment on. I bow to every women who is able to find this commitment to herself and to those who are not able to find it right now as they all need our loving attention. I want to post a poem from 1978, written by Maya Angelou, victim of ------ child abuse.

AND STILL I RISE

You may write me down in history
With your bitter,twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still,like dust,I´ll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
Because I walk like I´ve got oil wells
Pumpkin in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I´ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowed eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don´t you take it aweful hard
´Cause I laugh like I got goldmines
Diggin´in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes.
You may kill me with your hatefullness,
But still,like air, I´ll arise.
Out of the huts of history`s shame..I rise
Up from the past that ´s rooted in pain .. I rise
Leaving behind night of terror and fear ..I rise
Into a daybreak that is wonderously dear..I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise.
I rise.
I rise.


PLEASE - RESPECT THE HEALING ROAD OF OTHER PEOPLE. NO MORE POSTS LIKE " YOU JUST HAVE TO LEAVE" OR "HELP IS WAITING EVERYWHERE" OR BULLSH*T LIKE THAT. IT SHOWS NO RESPECT TO REAL VICTIMS,
straighteyes

[novemberpain (deleted)]

`I have found that most women keep their abuse quiet because of shame,self doubts, fear,blaming themselves, and feeling misunderstood. I once went to church, and stood before the congregassion to tell my story and how the creator has given me peace. After Church, the van driven told me that he was ordered to not drive me home, alone, because i told lies about, and abuse. I could accuse him of something. I never went back to that church.I stopped believeing that anyone cared what happened to me, so i held it all inside.
There are thousands of Women who are abused and.They start off as children, abused, watching one or both parents using alcohol/drugs. The abuse destroys their trust, self confidence, faith,while they either shut everyone out, and never let anyone close. They feel that they aren't worthy of being truely loved, and they search for love with the wrong people and in the wrong places and in the wrong ways. Before i began healing i confused affection and love for ---. I disliked myself because of the beatings and mental torture that my mother inflicted upon me. I was so afraid of being ed by a male relative that i stayed fat on purpose.I was a perfect example of how child abuse can affect a young child, and the results of what happens when this abused child grows up. I broke the cycle. I am a very tough perosn, now in my heart, but very strong.This made me very protective of children. I, now, know how to deal with my moods, and take time to chill out.I still have moments that i need to stay alone to meditiate, pray and just accept that some times life sucks and it hurts, but it will always get better. The creator won't put more on us then we can handle,and everything DOES happen for a reason. No, some times it doesn't make sense. We all reap what we sow, and make make good and bad decisions. I decided NOT to allow anyone ever to keep me down. I refuse to allow anyone's abuse keep me from Giving Love and Receiving Love. Love is Gift, and grows when allowed room to breathe. If i chose to allow those people to keep me angry, bitter, and to hate, then those people would have won. We all make choices and have to deal with the consequences. I am 1/4 Cherokee and all my life growing up, i was refused access to My Cherokee Grandfather, and taught to hate him..This was done to me out of revenge, and spite towards him. That is something that i will always regret. The cost that is being paid can't ever be paid in full. Now, i am 43, a single parent and raising a 14 year old daughter. I have broken the cycle of abuse, ion, and.I stubbornly refuse to ever put another child through what i went through. Hate is self destructive, and fear will only hurt us worse in the long run, if we allow it to control us. If i could, i would tell the world these things but some things have to be learned in order to be believed. Our society is severly unbalanced and twisted in it's way of behaving, reacting and accepting what is different, challanging, and new. I could go on, but the Two things in my life that has brought me piece is My Cherokee Heritage, and The Love that the Creator put in my heart . In order for me to like myself i had to forgive, and then move on. When i learned to like myself, i learned to love myself, and give love. I realized that i always had Love, it was buried deep down inside me, under everything in my heart, and soul. I give my heart and soul the chance to be free, and let my true inner spirit come out. It has been a long journey, and Now i know REAL LOVE. Thank you for letting me share this with you.

[57roger (deleted)]

`dang........i thought a discussion was just that a discussion. I have seen on a personal level the way women also manipulate the system, yes dishonesty isn't a male trait.

[sweetness4life (deleted)]

57roger wrote: `dang........i thought a discussion was just that a discussion. I have seen on a personal level the way women also manipulate the system, yes dishonesty isn't a male trait.



This Is NOT about dishonest MEN!!! We like men or we wouldn't be on a singles site.

This is about controlling mental and physical abuse that we have endured.
Nobody here has disputed that men and women endure domestic violence.

I can give you both examples within our family.

I had controlling mentally abusive ex-husband that most of my family loved dearly. Thank goodness my sister noticed the signs of abuse and talked me out of there before I got physically battered besides the occasional shove. It was not easy to leave because,,, of many reasons that I now know is due to his brain washing and control on me.

My brother had his ex-wife physically and mentally abuse him too. He never hit her. He did lock himself in a room and call the police. He did drive to police station where she followed and continued to abuse him.
You better believe that it was just as hard for him to leave her as it was for me to leave my ex.
Neither ex had a drug or alcohol problem.
They had an insecurity and control problems.