Suicide

[supernal]

I joined just to reply to this. ...

Life is hard, when i was 13, abuses from my father lead me to want to die.
I used to obsess on it...

New school, abusive father, mother who was never around, it's like i was always in pain, and had no where to turn.

To address the original question, what kept me from killing myself ...
After much thought, and despair... i hit a wall in my head.

I started thinking about the effect my death would have, and how much better everyone else would be with me NOT in there lives.
How my mother would be hurt, but eventually move on and be ok... I was justifying this all in my head, to make it ok for myself to die...

Then a thought crept into my head.

Why am i gonna let people i hate, and can't stand, push me out of my life?
What gives them the right, to treat me this way, to the point i'm gonna go kill myself?

As hopeless as it seemed at the time, i knew in my heart, that i was weak if i let them win.
If i killed myself, then i just did the job they wanted for them. They won, and i paid the ultimate price.

Why do i care what others want? Why would i ever help them by getting ride of myself?

All the pain they caused me? You know what?
Time to push back.

Time to make them suffer by having to put up with me.
I'm not gonna go kill myself, screw them, i'm gonna go fight back, stand up for myself, stand toe to toe with my abusive father.
(i did that, took all the courage and strength i had in my 13 year old body, i stood toe to toe, tears in my eyes, scared shirtless, but i didn't back down...)

Whatever additional pain i may experience, i am here, and they will have to contend with that, because i'm not going anywhere.


This is my life, for me to live, and if those around me don't like, it, tough.
They can go kill themselves, they can see what it's like....



I was 13 when i went though all of this.
But that's why i didn't commit suicide....

That's what saved me... my self preservation came down to one thing.

I'm not gonna let 'them' win....

[puchuks]

`Everybody - teenage or adult - who has a time when you think that everything is in black colors around you has to read a wonderful book what made my thoughts about killing my self vanish - it's "Polianna" by Eleonora H. Porter. All my classmates in high school read it and found it also wonderful! It's about little girl's childhood (what's not very easy) and about a game of fun what has been learned to play by his father and it's so special that you understand that how bad it is - it always can be worse... Read it and you feel much better :)

[brokeheartedgal (deleted)]

`Pollyanna - wtf?
sorry- well- intentioned yes.....