MYTHS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

[johnmarlon (deleted)]

Yes, fear tends to run the world doesn't it. That's where my cold stance comes out on the situation... as I hinted.

[(deleted)]

Fear is "an unpleasant and often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.


Emotional fear affects the way people handle conflictual situations.

Conflict is often driven by unfulfilled needs and the fears related to these needs. The most common fear in intractable conflict is the fear of losing one's identity and/or security. Individuals and groups identify themselves in certain ways (based on culture, language, race, religion, etc.) and threats to those identities arouse very real fears -- fears of extinction, fears of the future, fears of oppression, etc.

Isn't that sad that we let fear run the world?
N.W.A.A.

[johnmarlon (deleted)]

I'm not ignorant of the fact that fear has it's place. I guess sarcasm does too.

We don't all speak the same language here even though it may appear so.

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`Dangerous is the fact that we let people control this world by fear.

[(deleted)]

`I completely agree Huggeroftrees. Unless a person has lived it, they have no business talking about it. You are right it is not easy to simply walk away. I know as I too have been in that situation. It was not domestic in that it didn't involve my family. Rather it was an ex boyfriend, who did this. He did not hit me, though there was a physical encounter once. I will not go into it as it is no one's business, and also because I am so ashamed and embarassed.
His abuse of choice was mental and emotional. He would say some really sweet, and thoughtful things to me, then turn around a few hours later, or the next day and be saying the most aweful things. Nothing was safe ground not even religion. He saw fit to drag even that through the mud, though he had none of his own. He would sabatage me, and bait me. He was in general so abusive as to be past the line of cruelty. He had shown his true colors about a month or two into the relationship. I didn't want any of it and tried walk away. It didn't work. He would treat me like s--- then tell me we were done. Only to come crawling back and aplogise. He would say he was sorry, say he wouldn't do it again and that he loved me. Days or weeks later he was doing it again. He would blame me for things, call me horrible names, and say terrible things to me again. He would laugh at me when he saw he had caused pain in me and that I was suffering. He would all this, then become all nice again. To be honest I never knew from one hour to the next let alone one day to the next what side of this beast I was going to get. Disgustingly enough, he even said he thought about marriage on occasion. Thank god that didn't happen. It may have turned into physical abuse for sure had that happened. Anyway, it is not easy as you say Huggeroftrees, I tried for nearly three years to get away from him. He always kept comming back with apologies, and like most women I believed him. Well I wanted to believe him. I finally told him enough was enough that we were done for good and to leave me alone. He still pursued me with apologies, tried to call, send letters and cards. He even tried to talk to me on IM. I would have none of it. It has taken four years but I finally got him out of my life. THe trouble is, that after all that mental and emotional abuse, I am not the same as I was. THere is more fear in me than I ever felt. Most days I am fine, but when it comes to big things like pursueing my heart's desire's, my life goals I am almost crippled. I feel like I am unworthy. He made me feel so bad almost all the time. Maybe I started to believe those things he said at some point. I know they aren't true, that I am worthy. Still after almost three years of this, some of it unfortunatlly was bound to stick, bound to leave scars. THose scars can sometimes be far worse than any physical scars. I do not always trust prospective men now much myself, but I know not all are like that A$$ H@!e. That there are good ones out there. It can be a battle to keep the faith and trust. Still I find that, as time goes by I am healing. I do not know whether I will ever completely be recovered from this, there will more than likely be small yet nagging insecureities, feelings of not being worthy or an anger at myself for takeing it for so long. Still I do try. I do not want this man to control me though he is not physicly around. I will do everything I can to keep him from winning. I will not give him the satisfaction of me rolling over and dieing. Little by little I am doing that. I am starting to pursue those goals. Starting to make more moves in life. THat's not to say it isn't any less hard, but as I said I will not let him win, I will muster enough courage and strength to make it.

[(deleted)]

johnmarlon wrote: I'm not ignorant of the fact that fear has it's place. I guess sarcasm does too.

We don't all speak the same language here even though it may appear so.

Not being sarcastic just giving my thoughts on this topic.I am very out spoken so if you took my words as sarcasm wasn't my intent..

Johnmarlon I believe you are a highly intelligent man and you always have very intelligent replies..
N.W.A.A.

[(deleted)]

`Being told you are “stupid, “ugly, “lazy or “worthless is never acceptable. The first times you hear it, it will hurt, naturally. In time you “may get used to hearing it from a partner. Thats when you start to internalize and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other persons work of putting you down for them. This is why your feelings of self-worth suffer increasingly over time.

The good news is that just as words have been used to bring you down, you can learn to harness the power of words to build you up and restore your confidence and belief in yourself.

Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behavior was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you cant possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadnt said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.

Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way youve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this? “Am I misinterpreting things? “Have I got it wrong?

If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed youve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you cant feel the strength of your own convictions.

He can be very loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.

You do everything you can to make him happy, but its never good enough. Youre more like the pet dog in the relationship than you are the equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet with limited success. Sometimes hell be charmed, often hes dismissive.

If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal power, at his partners expense.

. There is a real degree of fear in the relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. (Maybe the same anxiety and need to please spill over into your other relationships also.)

Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain control over you.

You can heal it is a slow process .Mentally abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship together and, ultimately, cant do it, because her partner is working against her.


N.W.A.A.

[(deleted)]

`A lot of that rings true to what I went through. I did go through many of those questions. I wondered if it was me, or if I'd done something to deserve all of those hurtful words and comments. I asked so many questions wondered if all he said to me was true. THough I knew it wasn't, still after so long you start to believe it. THere seems to be a sort of brainwashing that goes on as you say. I knew what was going on wasn't right, that he had no right to say those things to me, or to treat me so badly, especially since I only returned love for all that uglyness. THere was anger at him, and myself. There was frustration and sadness in general. Anyway, I knew that he was not a happy person for the most part. THat was no excuse though. There's no excuse really. Still though I knew I needed, wanted and was trying to get out, I also felt that if I stayed he would have the stability in life he never had. I would be one less person to essentially abandon him or be hurtful to him. Yet he didn't see that, he saw me as someone to abuse, and treat cruelly. I did so much crying during the time I was with him. He saw none of it though. I knew if he saw that he would be made more powerful, and things would get much worse. So though I spoke up now and then, I was reduced to tears on many occasions after I got home. I knew that this wasn't right, I knew that, that is not how a real relationship is supposed to be or how people are treated within the good and loveing ones. Still I was too weak to stick to my guns when it came to walking away, or keeping him away when he was the one that left. I am saddened when I think of how long it took for me to make that break a clean one. I think if I could have only gotten out sooner, maybe I'd be more like my old self. Still it's also at those times that I am made glad. I feel this way because I know there are still people out there who are trying to leave, or want to but can't see a way out. That there are people out there that tried to leave or didn't make it that far as they were were killed by their husbands or boyfriends. At least I got out, I think to myself. I have a chance to keep going, keep liveing. THings may not be perfect. I still have the odd day where I go through Hell, but better to deal with that than the alternative. I'm starting to come to feel and believe that every day above ground no matter how terrible it may seem is a good day. Oh yes that I have already found out. It is slow. Sometimes painfully slow. Still I know that I am better than I was last spring and definately a lot better since just after I left him. As time goes by I'll heal more, I do wonder sometiems if I will ever get back to some semblence of who I used to be. If I'll even get back to being half as happy, and peeaceful as I once was. I'm trying to find that centeredness that balance again. THat has been the hardest part. That and getting over what
was done and said. Well I'm mostly over it. Usually when I hear those things in my head I become angry. I force them out, and tell myself I'll not be a slave to him or his uglyness anymore. Sometimes it's easier than others. I am finding though that theose thoughts come less frequently, and aren't as persistant as they once were. I can only take that as a sign that healing is takening place. THough I know it's essentially a waste of time, I just wish I never had to go through all of that pain, heart ache and metal trauma I did in the first place.

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`horses06, you´re right, the abuse you went through is like a brainwash and the transformation to get rit of it takes a long time and some things will always stay on your mind but you learn to get along with it. Be nice to yourself, never forget that. And when this thoughts and feelings of abuse are coming up take them in your arms because they are yours, look at them very consciously wrap them with love and send them away and tell them that you do not need them any more. And try to forgive yourself, this is very important. Many women are struggling on that issue.

Hugger, Squinto, Horses06 and Zoupi ty for your support about this sad theme.

Straighteyes

[nightchant (deleted)]

`To control brings on fear & fear comes in many facets. For most women, they are co-dependent & that is their life source. To lose it brings on their fear & that is one reason why they stay in an abusive relationship. Abuse comes in many colors & I for one have dealt with this in my line of work. Im a crisis intervention counselor & I can say for a fact, it is not easy to just pick up & leave. It is everybodys duty to be involved because abuse is the roots of a violent society. Drugs & alcohol is part of the control because it is the mechanism of violence which brings on this fear. I see many single women on a daily basis & many have multiple relationships & children with different dads. It is sad to say that in approximately 98% of these relationships, it is the control & fear that keep them in these types of abusive relationships. Approximately 95% of these women are left with the children & that brings the fear factor out because they live with the fact that their source of livelihood will be gone. This fear is also called control. We live in a poisoned society & it seems to be getting worse. I do a lot of out reach, making home visits. About 5% of the household I visit, there are drugs in the home. Glass, rock, marijuana, etc¦ This is what I have dealt with in the home. Usually it is both parents that are partaking in this illicit use. So drugs are a controlling force in peoples lives & there is lots of violence in these homes because of their illicit use. I have seen many of these parents “jones out when they dont have their sugar. It isnt a pretty sight. This is what I call their “white jesus, their savior & I do what I have to do to get the kids out & the parents into re-hab. That is my ---------- & CPS does not get involve unless I feel there is physical abuse involved. Mainly the abuse is between the parents. We all need to be educated in this ugliness called control & fear.

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`Ty nightchant for your comment. Drugs and alc often go with the control and the abusers take them as excuse for abusing behaviour. Yes and parents who are full of pain inside because of substances abuse or physical abuse may not be in the situation to take good care for their children who suffer a lot. And a responsible society takes care for all of them even for violent abusers who need a helping hand as much as their victims.
straighteyes

[alwaysbefelix]

[quote="johnmarlon"] squinto wrote: straighteyes wrote: `
2. It is great that you raised two generations of children, but it´s your god damn duty as a father when the mother is not available and nothing special.}


[I don't think this statement was very nice, he has a right to speak his mind and you need not tell him that it is g.d duty. Those words were unnecessary.
I can't believe that got past feedback

and you 1alaskaman don't know what the hell you are talking about. If you men are getting abused you must have done something, further more we don't beat men we just poison them or run them over with the car..


There are a lot of ol women that hit on their ol man. Statistics tell the world that men do it more often. I'd say there could be a truth to that slightly, but I doubt it's all that great of a difference in a realistic statisitcal outlook. Most all men are not willing to ackowledge to others their ol lady hits on them...

On topic..I still struggle to understand why people put up with another persons physical abuse. I always say I wouldn't have a problem walking out on someone no matter the circumstances. I've been told by my mom and others that my outlook would be different if I had children with that person. I still am positive I'd do so though, since the drama or negative atmosphere would be far more damaging than two parents being together..

I could not come to an understanding with anything other than children being involved. I think somewhere, inside, a person see's the situation as worthwhile to them, so they are willing to put up with the abuse they have judged to be somewhat normal and not as severe as others would view. Clinging to the past in hopes for change isn't good at all in such a situation. I see it as..they care about the relationship enough to stay, thus, in some way, they are willingly accepting the abuse. No sympathy needed, since it's a sacrifice they are making for the enjoyment of what they have with that person.

I know my viewpoint is kind of cold, and yes I know mental health is a factor to certain degrees in all cases. We all have the ability to control our emotions, some of us just don't try so hard because they need to try harder than others. It's too easy to lay back and give into the emotion than try and control it, so as to think more clearly...



I used to think the same thing. I still think I'd leave, but I'm a woman who knows mixed martial arts.

But, I did figure it out.

Men who abuse women take that woman to a whole different reality, where she feels lucky to have her abuser, becuase he's the best she can do.

In the beginning, the woman thinks she'll never tollerate being hit, there's a fight, he promises to never do it again; he's sorry. she believes him. but he's slipping little things in that she doesn't even notice about her insufficiencies. he makes himself look like a real prize. and eventually, she's glad to have anyone, even if he hits her, it's better than being alone.

The art of domestic abuse is creating a different person out of your mate.

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`alwaysbefelix, that´s right. This process is going on slowly..it often takes a long time to realize what is going on. You are full of pain and do not realize that you are in an abusual process. Learned is learned. When you had a childhood under this conditions you might be trapped quickly as you think this behavior is normal. Boys grow up to men and girls to women and with this destructive patterns on their mind this unhealthy circle will never been broken up.
straighteyes

[squinto (deleted)]

`Child abuse ------ or verbal, or physical is a traumatic attack on your very being. Your life lessons are warped and you do not know how to be in a healthy relationship or how to even go about finding one.People (men and woman) of abuse walk out of step. They see the world different are always on guard, never trusting, and it is almost impossible to let anyone get close.Takes a lot of therapy to get better, but you never ever will be like everyone else you will always walk out of step...

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`yes, Squinto , I have to agree..therapy often makes it a lot better, but the sting remains under the skin. Some things you´ll never forget, but you learn to get along with them. I had a lot of therapy, lots of sweatlodges, lots of prayers, I am pretty good in working on social fields..but I am always on guard, I still do have problems with trust and I am really fast in running when it´s starts to get serious with a man...but I´ve to say.. I´ll always try again and again..and it´s getting better with each approach... I might be through when I am 90 years old.. but I am a happy person, I love my life and I always try to make the best out of it...
straighteyes