My own experience with cultural identity

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

[deleted]

[humored0ne_PREV (deleted)]

What it sounds like is you are trying to put yourself in an identity that should not be dictated by your heritage. We are all raised the way we were. Things happen because of our choices and the choices of others important in our life. In my opinion, you are neither native or white. I hate those classifications. When people come to me and ask me who I am. The first thing that comes out of my mouth is NOT my tribe. I say, I am kai. Finding out who you are internally is much more important.

I understand your cultural loss but you have time to gain that. Surround yourself with knowledgable rez raised people. Maybe even find yourself a mentor. Learn the native tongue and traditions. If that is what you seek then, do it. But do not classify yourself as a lost child.

Culture is a learning or attitude... it isn't a personality or a trait that can be dictated by knowledge.

`kai`

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

`kai there is so much I do not express here... what was done to me by my white family... we wont go into it... the feeling of being a lost child is very real... powerfully real... I am too far from my people to have a mentor... and busy raising an autistic son... I am who I am yes.. but I have had to discover who that IS... I was damaged badly in my childhood and teens... my siblings continue to try and tear me down... too much to express... but thank you for your words...

[humored0ne_PREV (deleted)]

`I understand your hard times and how they can break you down from time to time. Just remember, there are issues and difficult people everywhere you go so do not hold one culture on a pedestal. Some native americans may think you have it good because you don't have to deal with the government and their monthly checks or being hassled by boarder people. You don't have to live up to a navajo grandmother standards where you have to make the best breast plate or weave the best basket while she is staring down on you saying you wont get a husband if you can't do these things right. *laughs* I guess the grass is always greener hu?

You are not too far from your people to have a mentor.

I'd be more then happy to hook you up with a friend of mine. You are apache right?

It's never too late to learn. Everyone has their hard times, we just can not allow them to consume us.

`kai`

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

`Again... I dont hold any culture on a pedestal. I sort of grew up without any culture at all. I was raised to shut my mouth when "daddy" me, or beat me, or told me how useless I was. I was raised that if I made straight A average in school I was still less. I was raised held to standards that God himself could not have lived up to. Navajo grandmother's dont scare me. I grew up with the devil.

I met my biofather one time. I loved him. I was probably not much more than 2. When I was taken off his lap, I screamed and cried hysterically.

I think my whole thing is, seeking to belong where I am wanted. It hardly matters now. I've become a loner. Because I learned there was nobody who cared. Trying to heal that. Trying to voice it and finding that my words are unintelligible.... it's ok

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

`Perhaps this says it better than other words would. My "father" used to say "That's the way your kind is"... maybe I just wanna know what my "kind" IS.....

[(deleted)]

Ravenwoman,
firstly, you may not have felt cared for in the past, but you cannot say this now. This may be cyberspace but have you not read, heard or felt the genuine (I truly do believe) concern and care that has been bestowed upon you by those who have felt enough care in their hearts to relpy to you with such compassionate responses?
Allow yourself to be nourished and take strength from these.
If you have any faith at all in some kind of spirit/creator/source, whatever you want to call it, do not think for one second that even though I and others have not met you and that thousands of miles be physically between us, in matters of the heart/soul/spirit it matters not.
Yes it is a great mystery, but no I do not doubt it ever. If you have ever given love, received love, felt love you know that just because that person walks into another room, drives to another state or even DIES to another state, it has no bearing on the state of love felt so real, but never provable by scientific terms. Physical presence/distance/time/space are simply not part of the equation, any more than being phyically close to another guarantees you feel love, as you well know.

As far as belonging goes, I think Kai said it very well 'that identity should not be dictated by heritage, and finding out who we are internally is much more important'.
Some may think reading this what business have I, a white Australian, speaking of heratige/cultural identity... I and most other British decendants lost their 'tribes' about 500 AD. Unless you want to blend into the bland nothingness of modern mass consciousness, you find your own identity, take your pick from the vast array of ancient cultures/knowledge/teachings from all over the world. Making the most of modern technology, to close the gap on cultural differences rather than magnify them. Us being thousands of miles apart, and speaking/communicating in an instant being a good example.
Tens of thousands of people of every concievable nationality searching daily, for missing links, a trace of their heratige. For what reason? Perhaps there is a slender common thread throughout?

Know that you are not alone, I know personally of too many with (sexual/emotional/physical) abusive childhood pasts, and guess there must be obviously so many more that I do not know, far more common than one would like to think. I say this not to make less of your experiences, but to let you know that you are not alone.

As far as I know the only helpful thing to do is, acknowledge the past (which you have done) and let it go, doing your best to give it as little attention as possible. From where you now stand, you know very clearly what you don't want. This can help you define and clarify what you DO want, if you're not sure, make sure...DWELL on this rather than the past. Think of whatever you can that would bring relief, make your heart sing, start with just one thing, and do it. You just can't care what anybody else thinks of what you choose to do or be.
If there are those that would stand in the way of your heart's stirrings (if it were me) I would distance myself from them as much as possible. Unless that is you want to stay right where you are for the rest of your life, and be dictated to by others then yourself (from past and present).
Don't give up, just keep going in the direction you want to go in, one step at a time.

Please forgive me if I am on a different wavelength.
I seek only to encourage you, to be free to enjoy the life that is yours to live now. As I endeavour to do the same for myself.

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

`*pulling hair* I just cant say things so they are understood... please forgive my denseness... I am NOT able to express things so that others understand.

Cello I DO appreciate the kindness here... I very much do. I simply wish I could put words to this so that my meaning is clear... but... it isnt working so I give up LOL

[humored0ne_PREV (deleted)]

`I understand. You feel left out and that you are "missing" your culture and you just want to learn more about it. I get it. The end. *laughs*

*glues hair back in* If you only knew the significance of having healthy hair was... *shakes head*

`kai`

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

`no hon you dont get it... I dont feel left out. I feel lost. I feel at loose ends. being lied to my whole life when my blood father was only 70 miles away. Being held away from my people and being told that my people were "animals".... the loss of identity was devastating and no words can convey how I feel... it isnt simple...

[humored0ne_PREV (deleted)]

`You are a very difficult person.

`kai`

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

`it isnt an everyday thing... it isnt a simple issue... I've been in therapy for years to try and "fix" myself... sorry to bother you

[humored0ne_PREV (deleted)]

`lol You aren't a bother. Just confused.

`kai`

[johnmarlon (deleted)]

Where abouts are you lost?

Find out where you are, ask yourself if it's a good place. If not, then could this place be in the past? If so, might you be able to walk to the present and find a good place there?

I think maybe you should do everything you possibly can to find yourself a sweat lodge and go to cleanse your mind of those things that haunt your memory. Pray for your overall health, especially your mental health which seems to be a possible factor in your troubles.

In the meantime get yourself some asemaa(tobacco) and pray with it. Offer it to a spirit of nature when your done praying, possibly a tree spirit or a rock spirit. Take some time to pray about those things that bother you, prayer is a powerful thing and will help to change your life if you make it a part of your life, a part of your way of living.

[mikmaq123]

`i totally get where your coming from. i found out that i am native when i was 16, my mothers side of the family are racist so they never told me.my father is full mikmaq, i then found out when i was 18 that my mother's father is Innuit.lol. so i was raised 'white' and now am struggling with what it means to be native and be accepted by our own people.

im now 21 a fancy shawl dancer and live traditional lifestyle. i still find it hard when people look at me cause i have a Innuit face(lighter skin) and that i have chosen not to get my status card. they call me a wanna be Native. Most of that also comes from my people being from Newfoundland and just getting the rights in 1986.

i just have to say that regardless of ur skin colour, status card or 'percent' in your body, its all whats in your heart. those who judge have other issues that are their own.
my elder once said to me: its easy to be an "indian" (refering to status cards and white idea of natives) but its hard to be anishnawbe (ojibwa for native/aboriginal)