MYTHS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

[straighteyes (deleted)]

Over the holidays I had a lot of women in my practise that have been victims of abuse. And I am astonished how many people think that these women are responsible for this abuse and think that it is easy to leave. That´s why I post about the myths on here, it is sad..but reality.
1.) Many people think that it is easy to leave an abusing partner. That is absolutely wrong! Women who do not leave have a lot of reasons to stay but that does not mean that the situation is ok or that they enjoy their lifes. It is a fact that the most dangerous time for a woman is the time when she starts to think about leaving or when she tries to leave.
2.) Nobody deserves to be hit. It is against the law! Even among family members all kinds of abuse are a crime. No person who gets abused is responsible for the abuse. There is only one person who is responsible for it, the abuser!
3.)Families are the basic of a good working society and a family which is not integrated because of abuse is the problem of the society and not only among the partners. Many women are killed in this way and abusers who use violence against women also often abuse children! Abuse in a family affects everyone.
4.)Abuse or domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships, not only poor women or coloured women are victims. Victoms of violence can be found in every class, ------ orientation or culture. There are many places on this earth where nobody cares about the life of a woman or a child.
5.) The roots of domestical violence are not alcohol, drug abuse or mental illness. The root is control. Often they go along with domestic violence and are often used as excuse. But domestic violence is learned and the abuser has choosen to use it. But you always got the choice...not every victim turns into an culprit.

straighteyes

[1alaskaman (deleted)]

Your makin it awfully one sided there. There are just as many women doing the abusing as men. They just don't get accused or even a report filed cause their a woman. Just like ya hear about the poor single woman with kids. There are a hundred times that many single fathers out there & grandparents raisin grandkids. In the last twenty years or so I've met or even heard of maybe 5 women raisin kids alone.The rest ALL have at least one boyfreind around. I've raised two generations of kids without their moms.They never even met their moms. I wasn't even allowed to ask for child support or any thing cause their just women.People base things on statistics & not real life. Drugs are a major problem to family values slipping away & the goverment does all it can to keep the drugs flowin. They controll it ALL. To break down the family values makes the next generation easier to control. It's all about the new world order as they call it & total control over everyones lives. There's a bigger picture to the problem. We all need to go back to the old ways & less goverment involvement in our lives!! Child mollesters & women beaters,theives etc should be shot on site & the troubles would soon end. Just my two cents worth,lol.

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`Hi alaskaman,ty for the reply and your opinion about it. But what you talked about is not what I talked about.
1. You are right, there are women who are abusing, but in another way as men do. And women lose their lifes daily all over the world because of domestic violence not men or did you ever hear that a man has been burnt alive just to get rit of him and go buy another one?? Or did you ever see a man in the emergency rooms with a smashed up face caused by his women?
2. It is great that you raised two generations of children, but it´s your god damn duty as a father when the mother is not available and nothing special.
3. The root of domestical violence is control not alc or drug abuse.

You´re right, it all sounds aweful, it is a aweful issue and it often hurts, truth hurts.

straighteyes

[squinto (deleted)]

[quote="straighteyes"]`
2. It is great that you raised two generations of children, but it´s your god damn duty as a father when the mother is not available and nothing special.}


[I don't think this statement was very nice, he has a right to speak his mind and you need not tell him that it is g.d duty. Those words were unnecessary.
I can't believe that got past feedback

and you 1alaskaman don't know what the hell you are talking about. If you men are getting abused you must have done something, further more we don't beat men we just poison them or run them over with the car..

[inkanprincess (deleted)]

`The domestic violence is defined as the used of force to abuse, to manipulate their partner. The domestic violence could be psychological abuse, ------ abuse and physical abuse. Generally is the relation of power and control of man over the woman and children. Apparently comes under the masked authority and roll of economical provider to family. There is also the violence of woman over the man but is much less frequent or percentage

[johnmarlon (deleted)]

[quote="squinto"] straighteyes wrote: `
2. It is great that you raised two generations of children, but it´s your god damn duty as a father when the mother is not available and nothing special.}


[I don't think this statement was very nice, he has a right to speak his mind and you need not tell him that it is g.d duty. Those words were unnecessary.
I can't believe that got past feedback

and you 1alaskaman don't know what the hell you are talking about. If you men are getting abused you must have done something, further more we don't beat men we just poison them or run them over with the car..


There are a lot of ol women that hit on their ol man. Statistics tell the world that men do it more often. I'd say there could be a truth to that slightly, but I doubt it's all that great of a difference in a realistic statisitcal outlook. Most all men are not willing to ackowledge to others their ol lady hits on them...

On topic..I still struggle to understand why people put up with another persons physical abuse. I always say I wouldn't have a problem walking out on someone no matter the circumstances. I've been told by my mom and others that my outlook would be different if I had children with that person. I still am positive I'd do so though, since the drama or negative atmosphere would be far more damaging than two parents being together..

I could not come to an understanding with anything other than children being involved. I think somewhere, inside, a person see's the situation as worthwhile to them, so they are willing to put up with the abuse they have judged to be somewhat normal and not as severe as others would view. Clinging to the past in hopes for change isn't good at all in such a situation. I see it as..they care about the relationship enough to stay, thus, in some way, they are willingly accepting the abuse. No sympathy needed, since it's a sacrifice they are making for the enjoyment of what they have with that person.

I know my viewpoint is kind of cold, and yes I know mental health is a factor to certain degrees in all cases. We all have the ability to control our emotions, some of us just don't try so hard because they need to try harder than others. It's too easy to lay back and give into the emotion than try and control it, so as to think more clearly...

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`Johnmarlon, ty for your opinion. It is eay to say people only have to want to leave, it is a fact that the dangerous time for the women is the time she starts about thinking to leave or she tries to leave. And having children with an abusing partner makes it much more difficult. Children always hope that their parents will stay together. They often see their mothers swinging back to their abusers and with the next fight all that hopes got dashed again. Children who grow up in violent families learn completely wrong how relationships should be. Girls learn that abuse is ok, boys learn that beating up women is ok. Children always know about the violence. Even if not personally physical hurt they hear the noises of that fights. All this scares them and might lead to evil consequences like substance abuse, depressions, low self-esteem, post-traumatic disorder, borderline personaly disorder etc. And all these problems do not go away on their own. If you have learned this kind of behaviour it is not easy to leave. It takes a long time to change and learn a new healthy behaviour. It is possible but difficult and many struggle and try again. And when you try to leave you have to work out a personal safety plan and you have to do it secretely.

[squinto (deleted)]

`When I saw the movie Burning Bed it was like watching my childhood all over again. My father was abusive, beat my mom, ordered her around like she was his personal property.
I watched my mom try to fight back only to be beat so bad you could not hug her with out causing pain.
Try to leave she did and I watched my dad come at the car with a baseball bat and knock every window out! All we could do is curl up and hide our faces.That happened when I was about 6. I will never forget the rage on his face, how dare she try to leave him after all he owned her !!!
She never got any help from family, police, or any agencies. There wasn't any in this small town we grew up it.
The physical abuse was bad, but the mental abuse is what keeps you there in such a horrific situation. She can't leave for he used us as pawns to keep her in line..
My mom did not stay because of any pleasure she received all she got was abuse verbal and physical..It took many years for her to leave, what made her leave when she knew she started plotting to kill him and she saw she was sick as him.
My mom worked two jobs to support my brother and me she never had it easy, but she is free from the crap!!!!
The outcome of all of this!!!
My brother will never marry or have children because he does not want to take the chance of becoming his dad!!!
I don't trust a man or will I ever have children either, because for some sick reason I seem to ---- -- with guys like my dad.. We are what see..
I could write forever on the things I seen growing up!!

[zoupi]

squinto wrote: `. My father was abusive, beat my mom, ordered her around like she was his personal property.
I watched my mom try to fight back only to be beat so bad you could not hug her with out causing pain.

She never got any help from family, police, or any agencies. There wasn't any in this small town we grew up it.
The physical abuse was bad, but the mental abuse is what keeps you there in such a horrific situation. She can't leave for he used us as pawns to keep her in line..

My brother will never marry or have children because he does not want to take the chance of becoming his dad!!!
I don't trust a man or will I ever have children either, because for some sick reason I seem to ---- -- with guys like my dad.. We are what see..
I could write forever on the things I seen growing up!!





I'm sadly not surprise to learn this part of your recals. It's something peoples who share the same kind of experience can perceive easily.

I have learnt what tears, pain and blood is since my childhood too. I remember the cupboards quickly pushed against my bedroom door to block it, the knife under my pillow when I was just 10 or 11. If my nose is not as straight as it was at my birth it's well because a fully grown man is stronger than a little girl fighting to defend her mother.

In spite of all that Squinto, so nice and pretty little sister, I truly think that you and your brother are wrong and I don't believe it's what your mother wished to teach you about life and the relations between men and women.

Each person has his personal history. You or your brother can look like your father without never act as he do since your life is not the same and the time is different too. Plus even someone having being bad for almost all its life can become one day someone totally different. There are different places, different times, different peoples and different ages in life and no one can say by advance what can happen inside a relashionship.

What I have learnt about life and humans being help me to understand peoples, to avoid some mistakes and to really look at peoples like they are and not like I would like to see them being even when I love them but never I judge me or other by advance.

You try to avoid the worst but certitude is not compatible with human relations. Each step in your life is and will stay a risk. That's why the life is something so interesting to live.

I have always tell to myself that my mother had been beaten as much for at least two or three generations. This thought is so deep inside me that men can feel it and no one of them has never try to use of his strenght against me (maybe it's just because I would be unable to build any relation with a man able to do such thing with me... who know ?).

Enjoy life Squinto and your brother too because no more you than him have to pay for what done a man, even if this man was your father.
Friendly

Zoupi

[johnmarlon (deleted)]

squinto wrote: `When I saw the movie Burning Bed it was like watching my childhood all over again. My father was abusive, beat my mom, ordered her around like she was his personal property.
I watched my mom try to fight back only to be beat so bad you could not hug her with out causing pain.
Try to leave she did and I watched my dad come at the car with a baseball bat and knock every window out! All we could do is curl up and hide our faces.That happened when I was about 6. I will never forget the rage on his face, how dare she try to leave him after all he owned her !!!
She never got any help from family, police, or any agencies. There wasn't any in this small town we grew up it.
The physical abuse was bad, but the mental abuse is what keeps you there in such a horrific situation. She can't leave for he used us as pawns to keep her in line..
My mom did not stay because of any pleasure she received all she got was abuse verbal and physical..It took many years for her to leave, what made her leave when she knew she started plotting to kill him and she saw she was sick as him.
My mom worked two jobs to support my brother and me she never had it easy, but she is free from the crap!!!!
The outcome of all of this!!!
My brother will never marry or have children because he does not want to take the chance of becoming his dad!!!
I don't trust a man or will I ever have children either, because for some sick reason I seem to ---- -- with guys like my dad.. We are what see..
I could write forever on the things I seen growing up!!







I'm sorry, I just can't help but disagree with you on that statement.."we are what we see". I think we are who we choose to be, whether we choose to live in the past or with the past...Growing up that might be true, but as grown adults we ought to look over and reason with everything, and start to acknowledge that s--- happens and to not let it run our lives. That's why I mentioned the controlling of ones emotions, some people choose to give into them instead of making a conscious effort to change those emotions.

[zoupi]

[/quote]
I think we are who we choose to be, whether we choose to live in the past or with the past....

[/quote]

That's sadly not so easy. Even what you see as good values of life can lead you to struggle during your life with others.
We do not give the same importance to things. We have different values and they are so many waits from the relation between a man and a woman...

[yas (deleted)]

`Personal experience tells me that people who put up with physical abuse, mostly do so because they feel the need to have a "functioning nuclear family". That is, a father and a mother figure both present for their children.

However, an issue that most of the time doesn't get as much attention as physical abuse is psychological abuse. Sometimes this can be far more damaging than the physical aspect.

[squinto (deleted)]

I did not tell this for anyone to feel sorry for me.. I do not live in the past, I live for the future. I can not change anything I saw growing up, but I choose not to repeat what I learned.And yes I have free will to do what I please, but sometimes I feel a rage bubbling up inside of me .Sometimes people are so emotional messed up in their head that history repeats itself..
But life moves on as I do..
The sick part is I love my dad, but I can not forget what he did.

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`Everybody has his own way to get along with the evil things from the past. My brother and I have been rasised in a violent home, my brother has no kids and is living far, far away from our parents. I have two children but decided to raise them on my own. My father has been alc and I have been the one who got beaten until I was 13 years. Then I decided to fight back and I did it. My mother used catholic education terror and that scared much more. I could always feel the fist of my dad on my body but never could get along with her kind of psychological abuse. As a child I decided that they would never break me and they did not but the scarves are deep and even today they are itchy all over. I never hit my children nor did I use psychological terror and when I look at them and how they are getting along with life I have to say I did a pretty good job. My son is a very gentle husband and father and my daughter is going her way very straight. But it has never been an easy way!
straighteyes

[(deleted)]

`Most individuals are surprised when they become a victim of physical abuse. Women or men who may have been physically abused by their partner in the past may feel surprised when it happens again. Other victims may walk around knowing that their partner may become physically abusive at any time. Some victims take on guilt about the physical abuse they are receiving, as if they are somehow to blame. However, there are victims of domestic violence who live in denial that they are in an abusive relationship. Some abused individuals may even make excuses for their partner who is abusing them.

Many women report that the physical violence against them escalated when they were pregnant or when their children were very young. This increase in abuse may be a result of the abuser having feelings of jealousy over the womans concern for another individual, even if it is an unborn or small child.

Some women are intimidated and/or manipulated into not reporting the abuse they are receiving out of concern for another person. These women may find they are in a relationship with a batterer who is threatening harm to their children, parents, extended family or even to himself through threats of suicide. These women believe that their abuser will carry out his threats.

Many men are intimidated into not reporting physical abuse they are receiving from their female partner because they feel much shame. Many men are taught from a young age that they should be strong and tough. Men may also choose to stay in a physically abusive relationship is out of concern for his children. He feels it is necessary to stay with an abusive wife so the children do not become her victims.

Many victims of physical abuse become experts at hiding the abuse from others. They also become experts at coming up with excuses for their bumps, bruises or broke bones if they are ever discovered and asked about them.

IF YOU HAVE NOT LIVED IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION YOU CAN NOT IMAGINE HOW HARD IT IS TO LEAVE!!!
IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY "I WOULD JUST LEAVE!" UNLESS YOU WALKED IN THOSE SHOE YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE FEAR!!!
N.W.A.A.