YOU CAN BE AN INDIAN TOO!!!

[(deleted)]

Some days, it's easier being Indian than others.. But for those who are not Indian every day, it is a sad chore. And these seemingly millions of Americans need help. So for those of you who wish to be like an Indian and for yooz who didn't remember you were (until the advent of per capita payments and land settlements) I offer you this, the by-product of a sympathetic moment of pure inspiration-the Skin-tacular "Insta-Indian kit". Now, for a mere $39.95 a month of never-ending but nonetheless easy installment payments, you will receive these unique and wonderful goods:


Clip-on braids (for matching hair dye add $14.95, plus shipping and handling),

Faded bandanna of red or blue,

Certificate of genuine Indian ancestry, choice of "Princess" or "Chief,"

Tanning solution with extra oil for that "just-off-the-rez glow,"

Old set of keys to car "left on the rez" and parked in "some cousins" yard,

Set of razor blades (Indians aren't very hairy),

Fringed vest with complimentary "Indian Power" button, beaded earrings for women, blurred tattoos for men.

Powwow schedule for those wanting to observe Indians in social environment without detection (Warning: Anthropologists beware. All your sad theses and previous conclusions will be shattered.)

Individualized and company-registered nickname (All Indians have some sort of personal appellation i.e., Sun Dog, Pooky, Skin, Buck, Wabooz, Broke down, Jr. and such like.)

Recipe book for commodity rations (including a no-fail absolutely delicious macaroni soup-nourishment that saved our Nations)

And a video list of Indian movies to see and make reference to (movies not included, duh!)


BONUS!
For those who order early, you will receive a phrase book that includes the proper way to say, “Ayyyy!†with the appropriate head movements and some slang from the Nation of your choice. The book also includes fail-safe vague references to the “rez†and some handy-dandy pan-Indian sayings such as, “walking the red road,†“circle of life,†“seven generations†and “all my relations†at no extra cost! PLUS the definitions of cultural gestures, such as asking, “Where are you from?†are cross-referenced in a glossary of Native terms and customs.



Why you may ask, am I doing this? Selling trade secrets that will certainly infuriate some Authentic Natives?
Well, we real Indians could all use a little break now and then. We could utilize folks who could step in. After all, there are only so many Natives to go around, and we are spread so thin across the country that we end up being some kind of advocate whether we wanted the job or not. Besides, this will free up more time for us to get the important work done, like suing the U.S. of A. for back rent, mineral, natural resources and trademark infringement rights. (Hey, somebody got to do it!).

It's like my Unc Roscoe used to say, “It isn’t easy being Indian especially when your a Wannabee or a Yoostabee.

For help, call 909-WAN-NABE! Now! Genuine Indians are waiting to take your call! (Family packages available.)

SUPER BONUS!! Add $100 for postage and handling I will send you a sporadic newsletter with vague, libelous rumors circulating in Indian Country! This way you will not be “out of the loop†in any conversation with real Indians.



*If you find yourself inexplicably craving government Commodity cheese, don’t give in! Send a brick of it to me for a barter-bargain and get as much as 20% off your total order!

[cello_PREV (deleted)]

Yes may I place my order for two 'Easy Being Indian' family packages please.
Oh and can I have that gift wrapped for Christmas.
Will phone the Geniune Indians waiting to take my call with my credit card details pronto.
What a relief to at last have a real heritage and culture, as I have been told somewhere on these forums I don't have any of my own.
Last Christmas I bought a genuine 'Easy Being African' package, and two 'Easy Being Viking' family packs ... what a coincidence it's the same phone number!

[(deleted)]

`YES THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER AND AS SOON AS I GET WRITTEN CONSENT FROM YOUR MOM I WILL SEND OUT PACKAGE.
MAY I ASK WHY YOU NEED TWO?
WE RUN SPECIALS ON INDIGENOUS PEOPLE. WE TRIED TO RUN A SPECIAL ON JUST WHITE PEOPLE AND WE HAD NO BUYERS. I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY NOT AS THEY ARE THE KEEPERS OF FIRE.
ANYWAY GET YOUR MOM WRITTEN CONSENT AND WE WILL GET YOUR TWO, YES YOUR TWO " YOU CAN BE INDIAN TOO!! " GIFT WRAPPED PACKAGES RIGHT OUT..

[gairbear7]

`Gee Cello, So I guess you didn't like the "Easy Being A Bird" package ? Now your going to lose all those "frequent flyer miles" Hmmmm something to think about especially living on a island.

[chumani67_PREV (deleted)]

`Hey..I'll take them to fly me out of this cornfield before the snow starts..

[(deleted)]

`Hey Cello is just looking for her roots, or some roots.. Ha Ha!! maybe she can be in that Indian Roots Production they are trying to make? I'll get her
"YOU CAN BE INDIAN TOO!! kit out so she can audition.
THE GIRL GOT TALENT!!!


HEY GAIRBEAR YOU WERE MISSED

[cello_PREV (deleted)]

Yes Ms Hugger my mum has given me written consent to order from your
latest "You Can Be Indian Too" Christmas catalog:

1x "Easy Being Indian" family pack (Christmas gift wrapped)
2x "Insta-Indian Kits"

I am ordering an extra family pack to keep on hand for that hard to buy for family that has everything BUT ... a 'Certified Genuine Indian Ancestry"

Have an audition for the Indian Roots production in two weeks, so will need the "Insta-Indian Kits" ASAP.

[cello_PREV (deleted)]

Oh Gairbear good to see you're back! .. I was away for a bit too, takes a long time for a little dove to fly fom here to there , and no it's NOT "Easy Being A Bird"
I miss my bed ... trying to get a decent sleep sitting up clinging to a branch is for the birds. And there are no 'frequent flyer miles' .. it was all a big scam!

[(deleted)]

`CELLO I WILL PERSONALLY PUT THESE ON THE WOOHOO EAGLE EXPRESS SHOULD BE AT YOUR DOOR BY MONDAY..
If you are interested I also have how to talk Ghetto Ebonics in one easy lesson if interested just send $9.99 plus $95.00 for shipping and handling. You can learn interesting saying like hood roach, baby's daddy, trifling,hummin,wangsta,home skillet, clown walkin. You would be the talk of the town in your new jammin way..

[chumani67_PREV (deleted)]

`well, I guess there is now no hope of obtaining those miles for trade then?? Poo..looks like I am stuck 'til spring then. I'd better buy a case of liquid heat.

I turned in my "easy being Asian" package last year...my brain couldnt handle the influx of intellegence, gave me headaches, AND white men kept wanting me to cook, clean and do their laundry. Too bad 'cause I was quite beautiful!

(yes..Wild Bear glad you are back!! Have fun!!)

[zoupi]

`Do you practice group's prices ?
If yes I could be interested by a ten because I know a bunch of peoples who would be full of joy to received such gift for their Christmas and I look forward to can make a "special" photo album for me to laugh during long winter's evening lol !

And what about "troc" ? If there is a possibility I can offer "Celt kit", "Brittany kit", "Normand kit", "Viking" kit, "German" kit, "Italian kit" and "Spanish" kit (unwelcome visitors have been numerous during the last centuries. France is a good place for tourism apparently).
All these kits are very few used. Many kind of clothes available with several tubes of total screen solar protection for a look "immaculate white" (to use with moderation on peine to become transparent).
Lot of accessories disponibles on demand.

Good Haloween for everybody !

[xxnativeeyezxx (deleted)]

`WTH!!! lol

[(deleted)]

`THIS IS ALL IN FUN .. SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T HAVE A SENSE HUMOR AND ARE
ALWAYS LOOKING FOR THE NEGATIVE ... I MYSELF LIKE A GOOD LAUGH!! LIFE IS TO SHORT TO WALK AROUND WITH THE WHOA IS ME BLUES!!!

[chumani67_PREV (deleted)]

`so, uh..if this is all in fun does that mean I dont get my feathers?....

[(deleted)]

`Of course you and Cello get your feathers, but no one else needs to place and order...