My own experience with cultural identity

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

I grew up being told I was white. I didnt look like my siblings. I didnt think like my siblings. Now, years down the road I find out who I am. I feel at a terrible loss because I never knew my father. I never knew my people. I knew inside I was ndn... but, I had no way of proving it.

I have hit an odd spot. I know where I came from, I cant make up for all that was taken from me. I have to find peace in myself with this. I can never legally prove a thing, because they lied on my birth certificate.

I hear "I'm part Indian" but for me, we dont come in parts. I AM. But I am also lost. Does this make sense to anyone? It hurts me. It is like my whole life has been a lie.

Can anyone understand that? Maybe I'm just crazy.

[anacaona]

`Hi Raven woman, I am not wearing your moccassins but it must be terrible to know who you are but not where you come from. Do u have any idea what tribe u come from? or at least the area?. My advise; give to your indian communitty, go 2 pow wows, dance, and respect yourself as an indian, and indian people in general with the good and the bad..... you know who you are, iven thou you don't have paper work, you still have your INDIAN DNA

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

Thank you hon. I know my bio father's name. I know where he was from. I am kind of... nervous about approaching the family. The people I was born to treated me badly... we are talking infant and physical abuse you dont want to hear about. So, approaching my red family makes me nervous. I know, old programming.... but fear of rejection is very strong in me.

[johnmarlon (deleted)]

ravenwoman wrote:
I hear "I'm part Indian" but for me, we dont come in parts. I AM. But I am also lost. Does this make sense to anyone? It hurts me. It is like my whole life has been a lie.

Can anyone understand that? Maybe I'm just crazy.


I like your attitude towards the "part Indian" thing. I myself hold the same attitude. My College instructor whos a Traditional Midewiwin (Medicine people), said that theres no such thing as a "full blooded Indian". Mixing past wrongs with the centuries whites have been here gives that a sense of truth. Blood quantum is Genocide, read up on it and you'll see why.

My belief along with many Traditional Natives is that being native does not lie only in your blood, but also in your values, beliefs, aspirations, and way of living.

I know what it's like to struggle with my identity though. Being a lightskinned Ojibwe from Minnesota and moving to the South Dakota Rosebud Reservation is something not many people experience. I was only 12 years old and lived there for a year and a half. Rarely did a day go by that I wasn't reminded of being "white boy" or some other racial slur. There aren't so many intermixed natives out there because they live out in the middle of nowhere.

The funny part about that part of my past is I now see that I was traditionally more Native then they were lol. I was raised in a spiritual family that held traditional values. I had been raised around more traditional culture then they had, such as Sundances, Sweats, one ceromony at my grandmas, and a naming ceromony for myself and siblings. The way they all acted towards me was contrary to Native teachings...



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When it comes to your biological family I'm not sure what to think based on I can only imagine the situation. Family is important though and I think maybe one day you'll want to get answers from your family. People do horrible things, I'm just now learning the true teaching of "forgivness and not holding grudges" that has been ingrained into me over the years, I've always rejected that and been a stubborn person.

When was the last time you met any biological family, and are you aware of how large your biological family is? You may have nieces, nephews, uncles, aunties, etc..who you've never met before.

Also are you sure you can never legally prove who your parents are? You know who your biological family is, so wouldn't that somehow be a way ofproving it through blood tests?

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

Thanks for the reply. I have asked everyone I could about anything they might know. I have been met with shock. Now everyone is dead. Mother died 25 yrs ago. "Dad" died 18 yrs ago. My bio father died a year after "dad". I am the oldest generation in my white family now. There is no one who could tell me anything.

As for dna testing. I really don't want to approach my ndn family (who are mostly all strangers) and say "Gee can I have your blood so I can see if I am part of the family?"

I have to just get comfortable with this ... as much as I hate it. I am who I am... that has to be enough for me. But the day "dad" told me I wasnt his, he did two things. He set me free from his ugliness, and he tore away half of my identity.

Now, I know he was not my blood father, and so his abuses are those of a stranger... which is helpful. Hard to think blood kin could do such horrible things to a child. But he left a hole in me because I think he knew who my real father was... and that hurts.

I just have to keep on keeping on. I just wondered how many others there are like myself. Wounded, and unsure because of all the lies they have been told. It's a sad thing really.

[fourwolves]

`Ravenwoman- I understand and feel for your situation. Assimilation tactics brought horrors to those generations that went before us, and for which we are suffering now. The response by JohnMarlon should be followed, for he offers valuable advice. You are not responsible for the actions of your ancestors, yet we still have the obligation of righting the wrongs as best we can by following our traditions and instructions. You are not alone in this- remember, the official policy of both the US and Canada was to obliterate Native heritage. Now you need to draw on that heritage to be strong and persevere. Our blood is stronger than and tactic used to dilute it. Walk strong, sis.

[fourwolves]

`Ravenwoman- I understand and feel for your situation. Assimilation tactics brought horrors to those generations that went before us, and for which we are suffering now. The response by JohnMarlon should be followed, for he offers valuable advice. You are not responsible for the actions of your ancestors, yet we still have the obligation of righting the wrongs as best we can by following our traditions and instructions. You are not alone in this- remember, the official policy of both the US and Canada was to obliterate Native heritage. Now you need to draw on that heritage to be strong and persevere. Our blood is stronger than and tactic used to dilute it. Walk strong, sis.

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

`I am spastic today, I swear! I want to thank you all for talking with me on this. I am finding a lot of comfort in your words. My older sons are not open to the idea of native blood at all. My oldest gets hostile about it, and he has native blood on both sides. Blackfoot on his father's side. But his dna caused him to be blonde and blue eyed. I know the family I probably came from, but they are "big people" and I am daunted even considering approaching them.

My mother and her husband have been dead a very long time. Nobody will even acknowledge the fact that I was treated in a vastly different fashion than my siblings.

I've met cousins from my native family and all but one were friendly. The one who was unfriendly was REALLY unfriendly. I really am sort of afraid to approach. I don't want a thing from them. I just want to connect to my bloodline. That sounds stupid I guess. I just feel like a huge part of me is missing.

I think I need to just accept the fact that I am what I am. That cousins I've met are ok with me, they didnt even twitch when I told them what I think is true. Most of them hugged me and said "welcome cousin" Much nicer than my birth family.

Because my mother got me during an extra marital affair, the birth family absolutely will not discuss the idea that I am only half sibling to them. It hurts, but in a way it is oddly comforting, as I cant stand either of them. LOL

I always knew I was not one of "them". I always knew it. Now I guess I am simply seeking confirmation of what I know I am. Funky place to be, lemme tell you!!

thanks again guys! I appreciate the feedback!!

[walkdeaf_PREV (deleted)]

.ANYONE CHATTING WITH ME I AM DEAF PERSON I NEED DATE NATIVE LADY I AM 36 YEARS OLD I BEEN WAIT FOR YOU LONG TIME 6 YEARS LATER

[loveaura83 (deleted)]

`RavenWoman, I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I think I can relate on some scale. My grandma is native american from minnesota and her father was a cheif. My mom is mixed ,and I look white, except some of my facial features that you can see like my cheeks. Native traditions and native pride is something my grandma instilled in me and that's what I identify with.


I feel bad when I'm not " Native enough", when I go to pow wow's or cultural events. Because of the color of my skin I feel I don't fit in, but it's where my heart is at. That's where I feel my identity lies and where I am comfortable.

I feel rejected by my own people sometimes before they even get to know me. And then I feel that peope with no native roots don't get my culture either. They don't care and it offends me sometimes. Like they are embaressed by my Nativness or something...

I don't get it.. I just feel like I am losing on both sides. But I feel stronger connection to my Native roots and try to surround myself with my brother who does too and also my grandma and some native friends. I just do what I feel in my heart makes me happy and what I have the drive to do and hope that other people accept it and if they don't they aren't worth my time...

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

`I have been pretty much totally rejected by my siblings. I cannot wrap my head around how they think and how they relate to our world. I cannot wrap my head around their desire to stamp out my identity. They are ashamed of me. My grandfather was a chief. I dont get into my bloodline as it can be misunderstood. But I am Apache more than I am white. It is an odd thing to be so Native even while my family tried so hard to make me like them.

I grew up hating myself for my olive skin, for my black eyes, for my "odd face" shape. Now I understand that this is my pride! My "father" tried to make me keep my hair short but I was never happy with that. He insulted me for my long hair... but I was miserable when it was short. In my heart of hearts I always knew who I was.

Now I can accept it and take pride. I sure do mourn my connection to my People tho. Growing up white when I really wasnt... it crippled me in a lot of ways.

Now, I have a friend who has less native blood than I. She rails against the pilgrims... who unfortunately were my ancestors on my mother's side. Sometimes I feel at war within myself. It is a totally weird place to live. I wish I was full blood... or at least raised with my People. Ah well... you do what you can with what you've got.

Again.. thank you for responding. This is why I came here!! =o)

[loveaura83 (deleted)]

`I can relate to having people "stamp out" who you are. It doesn't feel very good or to have people say stuff about Native Americans and then they do an "oops" when I correct them and tell them that I am Native. Looks can be decieving.. My neighbor has a baby thats half black and the dad is not brown but black. The baby looks totally white. Sometimes people can really say things that hurt you when they don't know that that is you they are talking about.

Sounds like your siblings are not very nice. It's sad that they made you grow up like that without embracing your culture but hopefully you can reverse that and teach your sons to be proud of who they are and where their roots are. I'm sorry you have gone through what you have but it's nice that there are people to talk to who can kinda understand the feeling of being lost or left out so to speak.

And, unlike you, I always wished that I had dark skin, dark hair and dark eyes. Whenever i went to my grandmas and brushed my hair she would always comment on all the blonde hair that I left behind in her brush. I think she was joking but still, I wanted jet black hair like hers and dark skin like hers. My brother, doesn't look like he is even related to me and got things I wanted. Sometimes when I go places with him people wonder if I am a "girlfriend" lol.... He is 22 and me 24 so I think it's pretty funny.. He on the other hand, just gets irritated.

[loveaura83 (deleted)]

`Just another thought, but you should look in your area to see if they have any Native American things for inner city. I know here, we mens and womens talking circles that you can go to. I think it would help you a lot to go to a talking circle. They also have different nights where teens and kids can go and do stuff together too. It might be a good thing for your sons if they wanted to go.

[ravenwoman_PREV (deleted)]

`I actually live in a rural area. No inner city stuff here. I got involved with a group for a while for sweatlodge... discovered the "elders" were liars. They claimed to be members of certain tribes when they had no native blood at all. That sort of did me in.

As I am getting older, my eyes have begun changing color. It shocked my sister when she saw my black eyes are now almost blue.... weird to see lemme tell ya. My hair is trying to go blonde and I am not talking about the white strands LOL... a gene apparently switched off and all my color is fading out. Very strange. Now I sort of look more like my sibs but they still treat me like I am made of dog poo... their loss not mine.

Life's a strange place. My older sons are not interested in their heritage. My oldest son says I am a "racist" LOL oh well damned if I do, damned if I dont.
I give up!.

Thanks for your kindness =o)

[loveaura83 (deleted)]

`LOL you're oldest son says you're racist! What a brat! You're mixed. I'm pretty sure you tolerate everyone. You seem like an open minded person.

I can't believe they totally lied about being native.. Like they totally made it up and had no native family members at all that they talk to?! That is really disturbing. They must have very low self esteem or very boring lives if they have to make up a heratige. But, having so much native pride I can see how they would want to pretend lol jk. I do have native pride though. But it is deranged that they pretend. What a thing to totally make up! That is so weird!

If your sons reject their heritage that is their loss. And if your family treats you like dog poo, I believe in karma. They are just ignorant. They will get theirs some day.

My son is blind, tube fed, non-verbal, in diapers he is 7 and he was born 3 1/2 months early and had a rare serious seizure disorder when he was an infant. I also have a 5 year old daughter that is very healthy. It makes me realize how important using your brain and enjoying life to the fullest is. I have the mental and physicall capacity to do these things and I will do them and not waste my talent and energy.

I just say that because anything can happen to anyone at any time. You don't know how it feels until it happens to you. Hopefully, and I am sounding spiteful,but not trying to be mean, your sisters will have a situation where they feel where you are coming from and they can be empathetic towards you and have some remorse for the way they treated you growing up and even now. They should be helping you and embracing what is your identity and heritage, not shunning you.