mad as hell

[rblyl (deleted)]

well..I am happy that this post had ONE view so I can change this..the words I used were negative and I hate that. What I have been noticing lately is how many of my decisions in life were not conscious..but more and subconscious acting out of things I was told in childhood about who I was, which was entirely false. I wonder how many people find themselves at a point in thier life where they see this trail themselves and now are struggling to have a life that reflects more genuinely who they really are. In my own family (that is why this is down in relationships) a popular thing to say is 'well, you-he-she, chose this or that so it your own fault." sounds neatl figured out..smart..whatever. But I have looked at my troubled relatives, and myself and notice that maybe we weren't making conscious choices..it just appears so. We are really acting out a script based on expectations (low ones) of who we were falsely told we were way back when. I wonder how many people do this..and end up 'wow what happened?'... to fight against the messages I heard as a child is a conscious effort. It is much easier to operate on automatic pilot..but I would rather make the effort than to follow a script.

[kaskiyeh (deleted)]

`When I was growing up through pure hell I didn't know that is what is was, I thought all families were like mine, that I could be thrown away like a broken toy sent to live where ever and feeling like everything was wrong with me. I learned from my environment and it's hard to be something else when all you know is pain and hunger, and abuse. But you have to look at yourself and see that you are repeating everything you learned. I can only speak for myself,but I made bad choices in the relationships I picked and it took me a good 20 yrs. to learn to make better choices and to stop and think about what I do before I do it.I've learned that I am better off by myself as I have a lot of trust issues, not that the man will cheat, just that I can not fully give of myself because that part of me never developed and was lost long ago because of my childhood. Now I don't blame my childhood for I am responsible for everything I do, but at the same time how could I make wise choices when all I learned was to run, build walls and never trust anyone. So I walk out of step in this life time, but I am ok with myself now...

[rblyl (deleted)]

`i 'm comfortable with people who walk out of step.:)

[anewmoon]

`Forgive me. I might feel like the king of all fck ups. I can't explain my childhood and how I repeat'd what was given to me. i too am the master of my own destiny, I accept the blah blah blah I let grow in my garden, but despite the unkindly worst, the quick pain, the loss of appetite, the silent cries, I pray and I plead that one finds the one to trust again.
Thinking and feeling...is a leaf the tree, i was fool'd, the roots are not the seed. Limitations defy the dream. I will hurt to heal and die for love, my ego says waita minute man!! but my heart knows... Shelly's Frankenstein knew, made up of so many personalities, but once the child, we know what we need.

the seeds of truth are buried in the earth...
negativity sucks...
i will make things better... bring on the light!

[kaskiyeh (deleted)]

`Everything that happens happens as it should, and if you observe carefully, you will find this to be so.
Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.Marcus Aurelius

[rblyl (deleted)]

`wow...

I like what you both said tonight..but I have to get a shovel to dig an extra layer in my brain for extra depth.:)

[anewmoon]

`Kaskiyeh
Is Squirel sticking out her tongue...

[kaskiyeh (deleted)]

` CHEWY (THAT'S HIS NAME) has a peanut in his mouth. he is two years old and has lived with me ever since he was a few weeks old.

[rblyl (deleted)]

`I am not mad anymore.....

the weather is getting warm, colors are back, no more cabin fever..

[fullmetal (deleted)]

`I think back looking at the past relationships I have had,and am thankfull i am still partially alive,that i wasnt totally mutillated by them.both mentally and physically.mental abuse was a big part of my childhood,i can deal with that. but aside form fighting with my brother i had never been struck by a relative. we were "guilted"blammed,yelled at(my mom yelled)so i was totally unprepared for the first act of violence dirrected at me.my friend told me I had a "s--- magnet" stuck to me i thought it was just me. I know now that it was not true. I was partially blinded maybe, my last relationship yes was ment to be as much pain as was and still is envolved I know now it had to happen,now I ma not angry ,i do not get sucked in by him.he served his pourpose and I have moved on. he still lingers inhis own way believeing our son keeps the connection open to him. it does not. but i have learned what it was that attracted him to me and and me to him and i wont make that mistake again. i have become a bit harder and yes suspisciouse but mostly for the preservation of my self and children.I realized after 7 years single i was becomeing my own mom, afraid to love,afraid to be seen or heard,afraid to live.all her fears had become mine only i wasnt drowning them in alcohol and pain pills like she did. instead i bacame sarcastic and mean and hatefull to anyone outside my home.i woke up about a year ago when my oldest son asked me why I was being so mean. to a total stranger. i was never like that,ever! it shocked me and still does! now i am feeling moore like me,kind,soft spoken,the animals are following me home again,and even though I am still afraid i am not going to stop or look back. this was a first for me, this dateing place asides from bars and the college there isnt a whole lot of places up here to meet people, new peopel if i end up just talking and meeting some new friends then i am happy its a first flight with my new wingslol!

[kaskiyeh (deleted)]

`I think there are some hood rats in the house!!

[fullmetal (deleted)]

`hood rats? whats a hood rat?