My insignificant other

[priestessashe]

I have been seeing the same guy for about 5 years on and off. He is a wonderful person but I feel as if it is over and that it has been over for a while now and we both cannot seem to come to terms with that.
There is a lot I want to do with my life and same with him, but we seem to hold one another back by holding on to each other for dear life. To be honest, we treat one another more like family than anything else. We used to live together for about 3 years and then we decided it would be best, mutually, to find different places.
I need some advice. I love this boy dearly, but I do not know if I am in love with him anymore. I think it is best for me to walk away, but why is it so hard? Have I just latched into him too much?
We have tried to end it at least six times in the past year but one ends up crawling back to the other and mostly it has been him crawling back to me.
We got into a fight this morning and though my heart hurts very much, I am not exactly sure what I need to do at this point. I told him that I wanted this to be over today, but I do not think it will be. I feel trapped and stuck. If I date anyone else, I feel as if he will be upset and jealous.
He has a lot of control over me. He is aloof half the time but whenever a guy talks to me or notices me is when he is more apt to notice me as well. He only appreciates me during peak moments and any other time, I think he could care less whether or not I am around. I am definitely not happy within this non-relationship. We have technically been broken up for a year but I haven't seen anyone else since I have been with him since I was 19 years old. He is 28 now and I am 23 and I think I am being strung along so that he won't be as lonely...
I feel so lost. I hope this does not put anyone off, but I really need to rid myself of this and I do not know how to do it without it being too explosive and without him or even me wanting to walk back into this really ridiculously unhealthy relationship...

Sincerely,
Heartbroken and confused in California

[rebelyell08_PREV (deleted)]

`Remember the comment in the Discussion Forum that you are very pretty with a lovely personality?..well, if he can't see that unless someone else is looking your way you honestly need to be rid of him. I know you have already been told that I am sure...but I know you feel you love him and have been with him awhile. You may feel a real bond, and he may too even. But you WILL feel that way about someone else in the future. I can promise you that. I wish I had a dang dollar for every time I thought I was in love and would never feel that way for someone again..I would tak myself out for a steak dinner--in New York. By moving on you will allow yourself a nice space in your life for someone you may just find yourself crazy about. And if that dosen't last...there will be someone else. Believe me!Yes, it will hurt..not for as long as you think so though.

Take Care Heartbroken and confused (ha!)..life is good!

[priestessashe]

`That's exactly what I was thinking. Sometimes its easier to hear it from other people. I found a url in our browser history that was a pay personals site. He hadn't paid, but he was signed up and was getting messages from women but could not respond.
I did not really understand, though he tried to explain it to me. I suppose that is why I joined this site--to see what's out there and all. He had joined a completely different site but if we were together, what in the world is the point of joining such a site? It really hurt me a lot and I told him so but his justifications were not enough for me.
Now I think it's over for good. I hope we can still be friends since we have gone through so much.
And you only know of my silly forum posts. My personality is very much more broad in range than what you see here--as I am sure it is the same with you and most people on here. Just aspects of personalities; not the who shibang.
Thanks for the advice; I really will take it to heart!
You're an amazing advice-giver.

I hope that I can get a few more opinions on the situation--or even personal experience with a similar situation. I think all sensitive people fall in love very easily. I am a hopeless romantic, for sure SAVE ME FROM MYSELF! hahaha

[rebelyell08_PREV (deleted)]

`Ha! I understand..you may have to post this in the Discussions for more advice as it seems not a lot of people make it down here.
It may take awhile after a break up to be friends though..expect that as no matter how civil there is usually bound to be some hurt ya know.
As for personality mine here is basically a "persona", I am actually pretty much a keep to myself person in the world! Take care and I think you will get some good feedback here! somewhere....:)

[cello_PREV (deleted)]

Hello Preistessashe, you know you really are a beautuful person inside and out, and I know how sometimes even someone saying that to you can hurt when all you really want is for him to see it and say it, and really appreciate you, just seems to emphasise even more what you haven't got that you so dearly want.
But do take heart, like rebelyell said about thinking you would never get over someone. Looking back on those in my past that I wanted so much to be with even when I wasn't happy and knew it wasn't healthy (and if you aren't you can bet underneath somewhere he isn't either) now I am soooo greatful that they are in my past, and always led to something/someone closer to what I really wanted. And if that means being by yourself, for as long as it takes to feel free and ready for one who is more suited to come to you, then you might just have to start really liking your own company, and learn to really appreciate you. You know if you reread what you have written you will notice that you have already mostly answered your own questions, and this is a good way to get clear I find about what you really want, by clarififying what you don't want .. hearing yourself, writing it down .. it's a great free therapy session! So join the club ... and feel free to email me if it helps ... I do warn you though, I will always look for the silver lining in every cloud .. haha. One other thing I've noticed for myself, is that no matter how resentful or angry or whatever the emotions would naturally come up about him ... after a while the only thing that would free me of pain is to get to that piont of honouring the love that was and always will be, on some level, just the FORM of the relationship has changed. (this does not mean you have to have him in your life though). There really is only ONE LOVE (at least that's what I feel) love for brothers, sisters, lovers, parents, friends and strangers all the same in essence.
Also you may be surprised to find that by joining this site you get more than you bargained for .. as in the kindred spirits of friends as I have been blessed with finding here.
From a fellow sensitive, hopeful (not hopeless) romantic .. never give up hope while following your dreams ... keep the faith strong, and know that many good things are on their way to you (even if out of sight right now).

[priestessashe]

`Wow, I got exactly what I needed from this post. This was amazing. thank you so very much. I feel as if people nitpick my mind in places where I cannot do it myself. Oftentimes I wonder how I did not come to certain conclusions myself. Great minds not only think alike, but help each other come to conclusions and philosophies on life that are very necessary in the grand scheme of things (especially happiness and relationships).
You are a sweetheart and I am totally getting more than I bargained for on this site. I expected to abandon it within a few days, but I am making many friends. That is more what I wanted anyway. I do not really need to date right now, but I will always be open to finding the man of my dreams, hahaha!

Blessings on your home!
Ashe

[rebelyell08_PREV (deleted)]

`Blessings on your home too! I am happy you are here. I really enjoy your posts!

[(deleted)]

`When an important love relationship ends, a range of different responses is triggered. We feel loss and pain. Our normal ways of thinking about the world are disrupted. Our balance is upset, and our feelings change from one minute to the next. We pine for our ex-lover, then we are overwhelmed with anger at them. One minute we are desperate to see them, the next we can't bear to have anyone mention their name. This volatility and confusion add to the misery.

Heartbreak is caused by the end of a relationship. It can also be caused when we fail to get a relationship we fervently desire. It can even happen slowly when we realize that we are in a relationship from which all the love has gone. However it happens, after the shock, it takes some time for reality to sink in. Then we experience a welter of feelings. We can be angry, sad, devastated, despairing, distraught, desperate, remorseful, regretful, ashamed, embarrassed. The emotional bombardment is overwhelming.

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`yesssssss, so true. we all get the ones that knock us off our feet, but often not in a way we want. We get them to heal ourselves not only to make us feel comfortable. There is only one person who is able to make us feel comfortable, you have to give it to yourself by yourself. And when it comes to hurt, is it really hurt from today or a long time ago hurt, something you did not work out, something you just left and get the pain get chronical. Don´t let that happen, you are closing the door for all the good things that want to run into your life. And when he or she leaves you, forgive them that they aren´t strong enough to work it out. Build a bridge but let them go and stay within their one slavery. Heal yourself ! Never let your fears stand in the way of your dreams. Respect yourself and nobody is able to hurt you! Healing yourself means healing your Ex and if this is coming from inside with the intention to give love and not to want him or her back, you will feel love.

[priestessashe]

`I definitely think it's time for me to move on. I have gotten some perfectly lovely advice from the wonderful people on this site. I am so glad that I can finally make a decision or at least one that I can stick with. The problem now will be how to finally break it off and keep it broken off...for good.

[straighteyes (deleted)]

`Hi ashe, sometimes you have to try it a few times, sometimes you think you might be able to love with every piece of a broken heart, but staying true to yourself means that you will be the one who is able to fullfill you at the core and there is only one who is able to:you!!! good luck !!

[piecrust]

`It reminds me of the book called "The Rule". I suggest you guys check out this book. I think it will help you to understand why people are the way they are. Read it !

[merinass (deleted)]

`anytime you love someone it is hard to call it quits. Sometimes we would rather stay in it than face the fact that it's season has past. You can't do anything about him per se, but you have total power over your own life and choices..leave the past where it belongs and move forward, being grateful for both the good and the bad as it all makes you far more wise in the long run.