The Break

[humored0ne_PREV (deleted)]

(removed)

I just lost it... I have no idea where to turn because all of my leaders and elders are sleeping. I watched a youtube video that made me cry so hard and even now my cheeks are wet.

Today, I was called a squaw. Something I have never experienced before. I was numb to it and got very defensive about it considering my best friend, yanaba, claims that my skin is pale so I am the lucky one. Is it the way I wear my hair? Is it the way I walk? Why do I feel so excluded from everyone around me. Even on the rez I feel excluded. *sigh* It's a lose lose. Identity issues? That's where I am at right now.


Is my language dying? I am planning on going back to school sometime soon to learn and touch up my navajo. I am scared of all of the younger generations losing their sense of self because so much discrimination. My brother told me about all these punk rap listening gang bangers who have emerged from the youngens who use to be playing on the block. Do you think they will come into their own and learn the language? I am not so positive.

I watch these dark skinned people dancing OUR dances. Yet, they are incorrect and disrespecting the sacridity of them. Do they even know the symbolisms of dance? Do you think the man who is playing music knows what the drum he is beating is called? Do you believe each dancer created their own outfit because they know who they are and wanted to use their ceremonial dress to express themselves or is it just because it looks good? Navajo PowWow '07, I met a dancer named Manuel Martinez. MANUEL! I asked him about his clan and he went blank. A mexican... wearing my cultures dress.... for $6/hr.

A girl in my community was going to marry a man and didn't even know to ask her parents or grandparents. When they questioned her she ran off the rez and eloped. When she came back, she shamed her family and wondered why..... its the lessons that we keep secret that offend us in the end.

I'm spinning... I'll go lay on the floor.... I need grounding.

Does anyone ever feel like this or am I as alone as I feel right now?

`kai`

[(deleted)]

Kai,
although most of this question is not mine to answer, here are few of my observations of you I have gathered from our paths briefly crossing via posts:

You are strong, smart, have a good sense of humour and are willing to speak your mind and be direct (even though your words are occasionaly blunt enough to push peoples' buttons, including mine on one occasion). I feel your heart in the right place and you do try to be helpful.
It is obvious to me that you have a great love, respect and passion for your culture/heritage/traditions and keeping them alive.
As with everything we really have no power over what others do or how they choose to live their lives, so it is wasted energy worrying about them.
The only one we have total control and power over is ourselves and how we choose to live our lives.
At the same time, the old standard "BE the change you want to see in the world" . . . by your own example you can (indirectly) have a very powerful effect on others, and their choices.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, it is said that your true work is to follow your heart's passion/joy.
One person can make a big difference, perhaps you have a calling to be a preserver of what is dear to you (if it lights your fire/makes your heart sing). Perhaps there is a need/a void for information to be gathered and made more accessable to youth than it is at present? I have no idea, it's just a thought. Someone's gotta do it do it. Could it be you?

Don't worry you'll bounce back,
remember whatever you're feeling - doubts your having now - it's only temporary. It's normal (well for me anyway, and most other humans I expect) to sometimes get caught in a storm inside, before the sun returns and lights the way.


afternote: I have a old computer setup that doesn't allow me to view videos, which would make this reply totaly inadequate. Thing is I felt you hurting and it was all I had to offer to try to console.

[(deleted)]

`Kai I just watched that video. I can see why you are so angry, scared and upset. I mean I was floored when someone from their own community asked why the parents were wasteing their time in putting their children in the Navajo language immersian school, when the language in his eyes was not relevant, and didn't matter. THe fact of the matter is, The languages, ceremonies, stories, traditions everything that makes a Native American nation who they are is important, and those things need to be kept alive need to be taught. THe children and non Native speaking adults should be taught and encouraged to learn everything there is to learn. As that woman said about the interview with the last survivers of the long walk, some couldn't understand some of the words because those words had already been lost. I mean even so early in the game it was evident that things were dissappearing, and it seems like no one noticed that huge red flag that popped up at that time. You're right Kai, I think a lot of the elders and leaders are sleeping. Either that or just feel powerless to do something. Still something should be done. THings are serious now and time is of the essence. There is still time, there is still enough to save and fight for. I would really love to be able to do something, but I do not know what to do or who to approach. To be honest I I tried to apply for a grant last year, because I wanted to do that, save and record everything I could before it was too late. I wrote to around eight Nations but did not hear back from anyone. I even wrote to the Navajo Nation. I beleive I wrote the president of the Nation directly at that time but got no response. I was not doing any of this to serve myself but rather the future generations of the Nations I wrote to. Anyway, as for the other things, I cannot begin to imagine how being called a squaw must have hurt. When people say those things they say them out of ignorance most times. Still it's like any other racial slur, and it's not a very sensetive thing to say. Nothing is wrong with what color your skin is, how you wear your hair, or how you carry yourself. Be proud of yourself, and don't let those who say those things to you get you down. I don't know what to say about that. But when it comes to dressing up in tribal dress, and playing the indian instead of actually knowing the significance of things, what something means or is called, espeically for money, is unspeakable. It is unfortunate to hear of the girl who did not talk with her parents about the marriage. Then ran off and shamed her family. I really think things need to be done. THose gangbangers and others left or made ignorant most probably won't. As I said though. I really want to help, to get something started but I don't know where to go or who to try and talk to. All I can say at the moment is don't give up, don't go gentle into the night and allow those things that are so treasured be lost. You have my support and help if you need it.

[johnmarlon (deleted)]

I've have that sense of thought since I was little. Thats why I used to tell my mom I wanted to learn my language. The times I would go into the sweatlodge I would ackowledge and recognize that it was Lakota traditions and songs that would be sung. After a while I started to not want to go because I was angry that we weren't learning Ojibwe ways. I ignored the good things my mom spoke about it not mattering because it's a native way and that native traditions are very similiar and all on the same path.

Hmm, I'm kind of glad you posted this and I read it because I've been contemplating going into language teaching. I'm bout to take 2 years of it and then spend time at language tables across the metro. I figure if I'm to have kids I would feel ashamed of myself not teaching them Ojibwe or Lakota/Dakota as a first language. If I instill langauge into them then they will speak it to each other and to their own kids and then the tree will grow.

When you think about it the Navajo more then many tribes still hold onto a lot because of how many Navajo there are and how large the Rez is. That really goes to show just how badly small Tribes and Reservations are doing. I was told by my Anishinabe Mide teacher that out of all the three states in the U.S, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Minnesota that have Ojibwe people there, only about 500 completely Fluent Ojibwe people are left. There are thousands of speakers but only about 500 are left who were raised with it as a first language and know the language in it's entirety.

I've experience the lightskin stuff pretty severly before. I grew up never having to deal with having other native people say anything about my skin. I heard it nearly every day and sometimes all day when I lived in South Dakota for over a year and a half though. I always seemed to let it bounce off me because I was so strongly instilled with who I am that it didn't affect me as much as some people would have let it effect them.

You spoke to me about skills, well Being Ojibwe I learned that we are the keepers of the sacred when it comes to the Anishinaabe people. To me my first thoughts about that was about being a keeper of sacred ceremonial teachings. That is my goal in life, and I've already been advised that one cannot understand our ceremonies to the fullest and utmost beauty until we can speak to the spirits in our god given langauge.

[humored0ne_PREV (deleted)]

`I spoke with my elder today. He lives in a hogan and carrys out a traditional lifestyle although.. he does have a throw away cell phone *laughs* He told me that when I move home "It is crunch time".

A lot of my people especially deep in the rez still speak ((what they call)) dirt Navajo. That was my first language and I lost it along the way due to the proper navajo being so popular among outsiders who come and help us. My grandfather says things that there is no understanding among me but he said that in time I will learn the meanings.

I am just freaked out right now. I think it just hit me how quickly our language is dying. This would have never happened had we just been left alone. Now I understand the anger towards other cultures but then again... why are we not blaming ourselves for letting it happen? Sounds like a very WHITE mindset.... blame someone else so we don't have to do anything or accept any responsibility for our failures.... They want to differenciate themselves from those people yet they are consumed by the disease.

With that said, yes I say things that frustrate people or get on their nerves but with everything I say, there is always truth to it. I never say anything I don't think or feel and that is why I am true to myself. I learned a long time ago that if people are upset by what I said then it is because THEY are insecure with themselves or their beliefs. Then again.. would you trust someone who tells you everything in their head or someone who wants to be polite and tells you what you want to hear?

I need to do something but first I need to catch up, myself. Until I can teach others with the mindset of perfection then I am no use. So to help others, I need to educate myself.

`kai`

[(deleted)]

`You're so right Kai. Blame it all on someone else is a white mindset. Still it didn't just happen it took a lot of time. It seems that by the time I think anyone really knew what was going on, things had already been lost. YOu're right it would not have been that way if any of the Native Nations had been left to live the way they live. I truely beleive that there was a chance in the very beginning for peace. To be honest I think it's still possible. But there has to be a willingness to respect and a strong attempt to understand one another. Your elder sounds like a wonderful person. THe right mix of seriousness and humor. THat is a good way to go. To learn for yourself so you can better teach and be more prepared to take these things on. YOu have a good heart and spirit Kai

[johnmarlon (deleted)]

I understand your mindset statement but "our" failures as a whole is based on what happened to us as a whole. I think maybe your reffering to individuals?

There are so many signs of traditional values within native communities but the lack of what once was, now makes it difficult for a child raised with a strong sense of his culture to find her/his way into those societies that practice those things.

To use blame as an excuse, as I've seen so many times, it just isn't the way to go. I've heard a cousin tell me he didn't want to learn his langauge because there would hardly be anyone to speak to. I understand where he was going and tried to tell him my point of view but I couldn't budge him. That seems the mainstream thought for many languages as I've heard my teacher say.