Native American Passions Forum

loveternal

What would you consider appropriate online dating rules? For example, as you start to feel comfortable communicating with someone through messaging each other on this site, what should happen next? At what point should Skype come into this process?

I was once talking to someone online and after several weeks of really nice communication, I felt we should hear each other's voice. And Skype would give us the opportunity to also see each other, so we both would know that we really are the people in our photos. So I gave him my Skype name and told him to call me when he felt ok with that. He said he would but he kept giving excuses like "oh my wifi is always weak".

So I gave him my phone number. But again, he gave me more excuses like "my voice sounds distorted over the phone and I dont know why it does that", which I think is a stupid excuse. So I let him go and changed my phone number. For all I know, he might have been a she all along.

Now I insist on using Skype after I get comfortable with someone so both of us can make sure we hear each other's actual voice and that we can see each other so we know what the other really looks like. I do not do whatsapp because I keep my phone number private.

In another experience that I had that started out really nicely, it got to the point of deciding to meet in person. He lived in a different country, and he said he could not fly in a plane because of health problems. So I said I could fly to him, and that I would stay in a hotel. He was happy about that. But when I asked him if he could pick me up at the airport and take me to the hotel because I do not speak the language of that country, immediately he started to make excuses about not knowing anything about this airport so he was not able to meet me there.

I think that when someone starts making a big pile of excuses, this is a big enough red flag to back away, and stop wasting time. So I end it and look elsewhere.

I believe a relationship can begin online, but eventually it will have to come into real world to fully develop.

chosnazzy

`This is true. You make a really good statement and I agree with a lot of what you wrote. I was going to ask you about why not you just take a taxi from the airport.

But then when two people are falling in love with each other and they are living in different countries, I would think that they would plan the visit together very carefully. And if both of you are meeting each other in person for the very first time, it is only natural to want to meet at the airport immediately.

Also, if this visit is planned in advance and if both of you have jobs, then both of you will be taking time off from your jobs just for this visit. So this would make it possible for both of you to spend as much time together as possible. So naturally, the place to meet would be at the airport, especially if the other person is also saying they are falling in love with you.

And if the other person does not have a job but is still not willing to meet you at the airport, that IS a red flag.

So I totally agree with you.

loveternal

`Thank you! I am not seeking validation but I appreciate your words

Also, in online relationships, you never really know how many other people he (or she) may be talking to. So you have to keep that in mind, as well, and not invest too deeply emotionally in the beginning.

If things proceed nicely after a few months, and you say to him (or her), "Well I am going to put on my profile that I am no longer looking or maybe I will even take my profile down, how about you?" And then he (or she) gets nervous about it and does not want to answer your question, that is another red flag.

Or he (or she) says something like "Well I am keeping my profile up for friends", but yet he still keeps his status as "Looking for a woman", that is yet another red flag.

chosnazzy

`Or how about when you put up information on your profile that shows you are both interested in each other, like in a photo. And then she asks you to take it down. Or you say something sweet to her on her profile and she deletes it, or makes it private. I consider those red flags, as well. Because seriously, when people are allegedly falling in love with each other, they want to broadcast it to the world! But if only one of you does that, that is a red flag that definitely has to be paid attention to, because it is blatant indication that she is either talking romantically to others, or does not really feel the same (even though she says she does) or both or worse LOL!!

loveternal

`Yes, this is very true. It is important to know how to do something, but it is also important to know how NOT to do something.

chosnazzy

Sometimes, things will be going really nicely. And then suddenly, she will not be answering any of her messages, no emails, no phone calls. Then suddenly she posts new sexy photos of herself that she never sent to you, but now every other guy sees them before you.

And then when you look real closely at her "new" photos, you see that maybe she is a "HE"! LOL!!!

chosnazzy

And then to almost spend about €500 to fly to "it", and that included the hotel room and the flight! LOL!

loveternal

`LOL!! OMG!!! Did that happen to you? LOL!! If it did, I am sorry you had to go through that

I had an experience where this man and I were getting along really good. And so I decided to send him a small video of myself. It was not sexy or anything like that. I was cooking my dinner, trying to show of my cooking skills And we exchanged a lot of photos, too. And everyday for a month, he would say that he likes to look at my video and photos, and imagine things. And he said that he has a folder on his desktop with everything I sent to him.

Then about a month later, he wrote to me from a different email address and he asked me to resend all the emails, photos and that video that I sent to him. He said someone hacked into his email account and changed his password so he could not get back in. I said to him "Well I thought you said you had a folder of those files on your desktop? What does that have to do with your email being hacked into?" And he answered saying something like there is a virus on his computer. So I asked him "Well do you not keep a back up copy of all your files on a different disk or hard drive?" That is what "sensible" people do, who say they are in love with you would do

I said no. I was not going to resend him those files. For all I know, he is married or already in a relationship and that possibly his wife or partner might have deleted all of it. It was enough for me to let him go. I mean, seriously, when you are in love with someone, you will keep back up files of everything, emails and everything!

I was in contact with him for about two months, and during that time, he changed his email address five times. Each time, he would say someone hacked into his email and that now his computer has a virus. If that was true, then not only is his behavior questionable, but he is stupid for not buying anti-virus protection in the first place. That is just common sense!

I dont care much for stupidity LOL!!

chosnazzy

`But you know this can go the other way around, too.

When I still lived in America, I was chatting with this gal from Michigan about 15 years ago. She seemed really cool and we webcam'ed a lot, too. So I knew it was really her. And she knew it was really me. And we heard each other's voices. It was going really nicely. But it was all on a friendship vibe, nothing romantic whatsover.

Then when my birthday came, a first class round trip airline ticket came in the mail to fly to her. She bought two tickets to a Shania Twain concert near where she lived. I thought COOL!! AND THEN at the bottom of her message she said we would be staying in some honeymoon suite in some big fancy hotel in Ann Arbor, Michigan. And then there was a naked photo of her taped to the back of that letter.

That was too fast for me. I know most guys probably would have went for it. But I am not like that. I told her that this was too fast for me and I apologized to her saying I could not accept this gift because I do not feel the same way. She was like "oh thats cool, dont worry about it, its nothing, it was just a thought". Then I didnt hear from her for awhile.

Then a month later, it was Thanksgiving. And where I worked there was an intercom system. And the secretary told me over the intercom that my guest had arrived and was waiting for me at the local hotel. I was baffled. Since I didnt hear from her for almost a month, it didnt even dawn on me that it was her.

When I got home after work, someone had a left a message on my phone and when I heard it, it was her. That scared the hell out of me! I felt violated, in a way. I did not hear anything from her in a month and suddenly she is in my town in South Dakota, at the local hotel waiting for me to show up.

I packed some things and I drove as fast as I could out of town to another city about 3 hours away, and I spent Thanksgiving weekend there. I waited until three days after that weekend to make sure she was no longer in my hometown.

That was SCARY AS HECK!!! In my opinion, that was stalking. So yeah, that's another thing that can go horribly wrong in not only online relations, but in online friendships, too.

loveternal

`You have the craziest experiences! LOL!!

But yes, this is true! Stalking is scary and dangerous! Sometimes people will send some kind of file disguised as something else that appears to be ok. But when you run the program, you are not aware of a second program that is hidden and also installed without your knowledge. And this can access your webcam and turn it on, even when you think it is turned off. That is a really bad form of stalking because then that other person can make photos and videos of everything you do in front of your cam.

So what I do is I never use laptops that have internal cams. And if they do. I cover the cam with something. And on my home computer, I never plug in a webcam until I actually am webcam-chatting with someone. And my computer monitor is faced to the wall. So if I accidently leave my webcam plugged in, the only thing people will see is the wall.

I never whatsapp with people I do not know personally. So I do my best to keep my phone number private. But as I said in my first post. I think it is important to at least Skype with each other so both people can make sure what the other person really looks and sounds like.

But when both people follow rules similar to what I posted, there can be a really nice experience that results from that.

chosnazzy

`Yes, you are correct. I met a woman from Spain in this way, in the past. And at first it was email only, once a day. And they were just "how are you?" kind of communication. But in time, the communication grew. Eventually, we were Skyping. And that was so cool. We could see each other and hear each other. We did that for several weeks and then we decided together to meet in London, as that was like a half-way point for us. We met several times afterwards, and each time it more fantastic than the previous visit. So we followed rules similar to what you posted, and this was the best woman I ever met in my life (so far). We gave each other our phone numbers, because we grew to trust each other. And then we added whatsapp communication when we were not in front of our computers. That turned out to be one hell of a relationship. No one was trying to deceive the other. When we fell in love with other, we announced it publicly! I had it on my facebook account, and everywhere that I was online. I was PROUD to say she was my woman!! And she did that, too. And her family knew about me, and they were really nice, too.

In a different situation with another woman, this other woman didnt want anyone to know. And she did not tell her family about me. So she was hiding me from people in her world. Usually when people do that is because they either do not feel the same way as you do, or they are in a relationship with someone in their town.

So yes, when both of you follow these kind of rules, it can be a very beautiful experience :)

chosnazzy

`And we did not meet on any singles site. I like that fact It just goes to show you, that sometimes you can find love online and NOT on a singles site :)

loveternal

`Yes anything is possible and I think when you live an emotionally healthy life, you increase your chances of finding a real love :)

chosnazzy

`Well that experience with the Spanish woman only lasted about a year or so. Later she moved to another country to find a job. After that I never heard from her again. She just stopped communicating. She never answered her emails or phone calls. What a strange way for something beautiful to end.

So communication is very important in maintaining a relationship. And in online long-distance relationships, communication is absolutely CRUCIAL to maintain.

I never see the past as failures because I learned something valuable in all of those experiences. So they are now like teaching experiences, in which I gained lots of knowledge to help me continue. And as long as I am learning from the past, my experiences get nicer and nicer.

If you are not at peace with your previous relationships, your next one will fail 100% for sure. So I worked on my life to come to peace with my previous experiences. So today I have no bad feelings or grudges towards any of the women in my previous relationships. I am at peace with those experiences, and I do hope they have learned, too, and that they are in good relationships.

And then I found this site. Then I met someone on here who is really "Nice" (hint hint). I have been in communication with her for several months now. And we really know each other very closely. She is really amazing and intelligent, too. I am using all the knowledge I gained from the past experiences to nurture this new one of today. So I know this woman is the best for me

loveternal

`Well, how "Nice" for both of you. I am happy for both of you

And it is also true that how you are is what you will attract. If you want a good relationship, you have to have a good relationship with yourself first. So yes its important to be at peace with the difficulties from your past so you will know how to learn from difficulties that will come in the future to nurture your inner peace.

When I meet a man, one of the questions I ask him is how does he perceive his past relationships. And even if he tries to lie and say he is ok with it, I can feel the dissonant energy in his voice and body language. Thats why I feel it is better to ask that question to someone in person or at least through Skype.

:)

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