Loss

[1lovelycherokee]

I just wrote all of and was done and it got deleted so Im going to try and do it again.

I lost my husband recently....we weren't together long but the time we did share we endured more then most do in a lifetime...we met on memorial day weekend of last yr...we talked for hours on the phone...we texted everyday..there wasn't a moment we didn't speak. I have tons of letters of love to try and rememeber what it felt like...We were married in November of last yr which was the day I knew i wanted to share my life with him regardless of his past...but there were things about him I didn't really know..He had lots of problems lots of demons he delt with and he tried to make them go away in the wrong ways...All i did was try to love him and take care of him...and he said he loved my love...but it wasn't enough it seemed..I wn't go into details of his problems but his past had a lot to do with it...he was very insecure and had a hard time trusting...even though he put me through soo much in a short amount of time I loved him deeply...because when he was himself..the person I knew he wanted to be... his love was amazing...he used to tell me that there is no other love like indian love and he was right..I would do anything for him...I just wanted to save him and be his light in the darkness...and I was but it wasn't enough..I lost him exactly a yr from the day we met on Memorial day in a car accident...if he would've been wearing his seatbelt he would've lived...his family tried to blame me for the accident eventhough I was not in the car because he was comming up to see me he had been at his cuz's..and a part of me blamed myself too..if only I could've saved him some way some how...I spoke to him moments before the accident and it wasn't a very nice converstaion..it hurt me a lot and I keep replaying it in my mind sometimes although I try to forget...I know that wasn't him...it was his alter ego that happened when he tried to forget his pain...after he passed I did a little ceremoney the way he wanted it at the site..I know he felt honored by it...two crosses stand there today...I felt him with me...I felt him trying to comfort me and kiss my tears the way he always did...but it was still hard..he began trying to communicate with me...he would come in my friends dreams with messages...he would communicate with the sensitive people in my life...finally he came through to a medium...who knew things she could've never known on her own..things that were private to only us...he apologized for all his wrong..he felt soo horrible but let me know i was the light in his darkness..that his love for me was overflowing and he felt I was his soulmate...that he did love me and to not blame myself for the accident..he took responsibility...that he wanted me to be happy and will get me though hard times but he admired how strong I had become... He sent me animal totems...he would come in dreams and tell me how much he loved me..I even woke up to him standing over me but freaked out because i was awoken from a deep sleep...I don't feel him as strong as i did...and i wonder if he's still here..I want him to always be with me...yet i want to feel the love i once felt once again..i want a second chance at a love i yearned for with him but never completely got...I was just wondering if anyone else had been through this...how they delt..if loved ones ever came to them after they were gone...I know Im not crazy lol...I wonder how you delt... I want to know if you moved on and how? I find myself wanting that Native american love I once had the one he said was so unique and it was..how do you forget all the negative and just remember the positive...how do you get your loved ones to come to you? did you move on and how did it feel..? How did it feel to go from hearing from him every day to not at all...I feel that even though i loved him deeply that he chose his path that took him from me...and so I need to go on with my life..although I will always love him and he will be in my heart...I know I will see him again one day but until then i Have to move on for my own happiness...Because in this lifetime hes not comming back...and I have to live this life here on earth without him...so no need to continue to mope about it but get out there and find my new chapter...stil i have questions on others experiences..i start to feel that I will never find that again and I want to so bad...I've had lots of liers in my life lots of guys who hurt me and I don't deserve to be hurt...like he used to tell me I deserve to be loved because I was his queen...I want to be someones everything again one day...how do the new people in your life deal with the fact that u had someone and u lost them and you will probably always love them..How do you deal with things u found out after the fact? do I let go of the possibility that we werent legally married because he wasnt completely divorced yet? But yet the marriage was real to me..so do I just hang onto it in that way...to remember that we did say vows...Just keep it as I thought it was....Just wanted to post to see about others experiences...

1lovelycherokee

[malakotawelo]

`im sad for your loss, but im happy that you got some closure, and you know that he doesnt blame you...im sure he will still be there for you when you need him...just carry that love with you...

[1lovelycherokee]

`Thank you....yes i believe that I got some closure still there are so many questions unanswered...he chose his road and its sad to say but I tried to help him so something like this wouldn't happen..but he was a man and stubborn...everything happens for a reason...kind of saved both of us..yet its still hard at times and yes i do miss him...I think he will always be with me some way some how..I plan to carry it with me because I couldn't let it go if I wanted to..however I want to find it again and have it be all I wanted it to be...THank you so much for you post...

[malakotawelo]

`i never got to see my grandfather again before he died, he had the gift of sight, of knowing things, precognition, and understanding the animals, and those things i can say i have to some degree, but i know he was glad that i went to support my grandmother at the funeral...

we celebrated his life, during the funeral, we sang songs of happiness, and my aunt, who is a folk singer got up and sang a few songs that made us all chuckle a bit, because that was part of him too, always laughing and making other people laugh...he will be missed, but he was there...and im sure he is still around...giving me a push when i need it...

my uncle stays close to our grandmother, he decided to live near her so he could help her whenever she needs...he is a member of the moose lodge, and is a big part of the orphan placement program there, and oddly enough they teach a lot of things that echo the native lessons of the moose, bear, beaver, and many other animals...and i think thats how my grandfather would have wanted it...

but we all carry what we learned from him with us, and share it with others...that is our way of honoring him...

so carry it, share it, and there is someone out there that will reciprocate and notice...

[1lovelycherokee]

`Thank you for sharing your story....that was very touching..and i do believe our loved ones still visit us and stay beside us...send us things we need...Im sure your grandfather still does...its always nice to have had someone like that in our lives that we can learn from and grow stronger from knowing...It sounds like u have a very wonderful family....So sorry for your loss but then again we both know they are never really gone...I will continue to carry and share it....thank you for your post..it meant a lot

[1lovelycherokee]

`and one more thing...its the hardest when you dn't get to see them before they go..it weights on your heart more..but all we can do is know we are gonna see them again one day and that they know we love them...thats how I've gotten by..

[pasanequenape (deleted)]

`Sorry for your loss.

My grandma and grandpa tell me you shouldn't cry for someone that has passed, it has something to do with their spirit.

[malinnuojik]

`MY boyfriend left me two month ago, I miss miss him so much I cry