Is there really such a thing as soulmates?

[alessandra7 (deleted)]

I like this expression: "Life is just what you make of it". I agree with that. I do not believe in fate and I do not believe in soulmates. You meet someone and you get to know each other and if it works, then wonderful. And if not, that is ok, too.

And when it is fantastic for both of you, maybe after some time has passed, one of you changes to something that makes the relationship no longer possible. And for the other partner to adapt to that change may not be such a good idea, because then he or she is going down a codependent road.

For example, what if you and your partner are heterosexual and then some years go by, and then one of you becomes gay?

I think the concept of soulmates is fatalistic and is based on addiction to a false idea of what love really is.

Whatever you are inside of yourself, is what you will attract. So if you want that healthy relationship, you have to have that with yourself first. And you enjoy that relationship as it is happening by living in the present moment. That is investing in its future.

This is also why I do not believe in finding someone to complete me or that I have a better half because those thoughts are founded on low self-esteem.

:)

[chosnazzy (deleted)]

`Even though the person who started this thread is no longer a member, I will comment anyway. That's a really good question. IF a couple thinks that they are soulmates, but then one of them changes and becomes gay. If they are honest and respect each other, they would have to talk about this. And most likely, this relationship would have to end. I think when people use this term "soulmate", they have unrealistic expections, which is a result of low self-esteem. So I agree that life is just what you make of it.

But it is strange, for example, when two people come around a corner and bump into each other. And when they make eye contact something magical happens. I think that would be amazing. But still, it is only a doorway. It does not guarantee that everything will work between them. It is still up to them to find out if they are good together or not. To say they are soulmates would be like trying to predict the future. However, the future is based on current thought patterns, among other things. Meaning, it can change. Likewise, people can change and sometimes not for the better. So the idea of soulmates is unrealistic.

[alvie (deleted)]

`Hello choznazzy

I think it is about whén you consider yourselves (in a relationship) as soulmates.
I do agree agree with you that a first magical spark between two people, by bumping into eachother, can be expreienced as magic - as if destined to eachother. Like you said, it is just a doorway, i believe that also.
But what if a relationship is rich? Rich by talking, sharing feelings and thoughts? A relationship that has survived pains and troubles and still is able (for the two people) to love eachother, i believe strongly they sincerely might consider themselves soulmates.

One other thing: i see you and lily 4567 have written lots of articles. And i would like to thank you: loads of your words were helpful to me.
Hope to read more from you (both)!

[chosnazzy (deleted)]

What I am saying is just my opinion, and I respect others who believe differently, as I know how to agree to disagree. I am aware that some people define "soul mates" as meeting someone who seems to totally fit, which helps them to build a wonderful relatonship. And that's beautiful. But a lot of people define it in a fatalistic way. My comments are based on what a former member of this site wrote, which is:

alessandra7 wrote: `... maybe after some time has passed, one of you changes to something that makes the relationship no longer possible. And for the other partner to adapt to that change may not be such a good idea, because then he or she is going down a codependent road.

For example, what if you and your partner are heterosexual and then some years go by, and then one of you becomes gay?

I think the concept of soulmates is fatalistic ...


I think most people use the term "soul mates" in a fatalistic way, and then they expect it to last forever, which is unrealistic, as it influences one away from the present moment. And the present moment influences the future. The present moment is where you acutally have some power concerning your future. So if a person is influenced away from the present moment with unrealistic expectations, the chances are great that the future of this person will not turn out as he or she expects.

So when both partners are living in the here and now, they are influencing their relationship in a very healthy way. Its ok to be concerned about the future, but the place to dwell is in the present moment, so we must always come back to that.

What is also really nice is when both partners in the relationship take time to visualize the future of their relationship together. But its important to always come back to the present moment because this brings inspiration to their relationship, which in turn influences their future even more in a healthy way. In this way, they are building our future and investing in it. They are making it, they are creating it. This is not fate.

In a healthy relationship, both partners have to want it to be this way. Hence, the fatalistic connotation of the term "soul mates" is unhealthy. When one of the partners loses this vision for whatever reason, this may influence that one to change to the point that the relationship is no longer possible. How they deal with that is up to them, as we all have our own ideas.

As I said in the beginning of this post, this is just my opinion :)

[lily4567 (deleted)]

`You're welcome alvie!
I too would love to believe in soulmate but as the saying chosnazzy we have to be realistic and it is also true that it is important to focus on the present even if it is likely in the future

[chosnazzy (deleted)]

`Exactly, as lily4567 stated

I think when people try to find the ultimate adjective to describe how good their relationship is, its almost as if they are indirectly seeking some kind of outside validation.

When living an emotionally healthy life, we learn that we should not be concerned about what others think about us and our actions. Likewise, in a healthy relatioinship, we should not be concerned about what others think about our relationships, by telling others how good our relationships are.

Instead, we should just enjoy what we have as it is happening, without concern for what others think about it. Then every kiss tastes sweeter and every "everything" concerning the relationship feels and tastes better than ever!

[loveternal (deleted)]

`Its also like: your life is no ones business but your own. Do what you feel is right, live your life the way you wish. And when something does not go right, then learn from it and transform it into a learning experience. You dont need to prove anything to anyone. You dont need the approval of others to validate your existence.

Then likewise as chosnazzy says, your relationship is no one elses business but yours and your partner. And you do not need to find the ultimate adjective to describe your relationship to others so that they will approve it to validate it.

Whats more important is not be concerned about what others think and just enjoy what you have. Then naturally, others will feel how amazing it is :)

[lily4567 (deleted)]

`In what situation would you say eg not to pay attention to what others think when two people are together?

[chosnazzy (deleted)]

I don't think there is ever a time to pay attention to what others think. But it is really important to have honest, open and non-judgmental communication in the relationship.

For example, let us say there are two people in a relationship. And then a third person does not like one of the people in that relationship. Let us call the people in the relationship "person 1" and "person 2". And we will call the third person as "person 3". Person 3 is trying to destroy that relationship

So now let us say that Person 3 starts telling misinformation about Person 2 to try to force that relationship to fall apart. Person 3 will try to publicly humiliate Person 2. And that shows how much Person 3 really disrespects their own self, and is in fact also obsessed with Person 2.

In Lakota tradition, when you have a problem with someone, you talk with them in private. If that does not work, you still do things RESPECTFULLY but in "private", so as to not humiliate anyone. Everything must be done in respect, no matter how bad it "allegedly" is. This is not only a Lakota tradition, it is also called "Common Sense"

When you try to humiliate someone in public, like in an online public forum, this is unhealthy communication that will return four times as strong to that person who sent it. So when someone does this, it shows they respect no one and that they do not even respect themselves. They want harm to come to those who they do not like and they become obsessed with it.

A healthy couple will talk about it in a non-judgmental way. And eventually the Person 1 will learn that the Person 3 is telling misinformation. And maybe that misinformation will be based on an incident in the far past where Person 2 rejected Person 3, because Person 2 learned how emotionally unhealthy Person 3 is.

When the couple is healthy, there will be open and non-judgmental communication. If you are in a healthy relationship like that, neither partner is going to do anything to bring harm to the relationship. Hence, when you are in this kind of healthy relationship, you should never be concerned about what others think about your relationship.

[loveternal (deleted)]

``I am not sure I understand your question, lily4567. But maybe I might a little bit

You are asking what situation to not pay attention to what others think about a couple? I think its not important what others think about. For example, let me tell you about something that happened to me.

Several years ago, I was with a man and he seemed to be a really nice one. He treated me good, and I witnessed him treat others with great respect. And he seemed genuine in his actions. Then a few months later, he started to act a little bit weird. He was always asking where I was when I was not home. Or if I did not answer his text messages right away, he would ask me why.

I said that when I am driving my auto, I do not text. And when I am working, I am not going to text message either. And if messages comes in, I will answer it when I have free time. If it is an emergency, I will answer it immediately, of course. But if I am working or driving, and the message is not important, I will read it but I will answer it when I am free.

So he thought I was ignoring him. Then one day, I noticed there was someone following me wherever I went. I went to a shop for some food, and this person followed me into the shop. And then I saw one of my male friends, so I hugged him and kissed him. In Germany, we kiss twice, once on each cheek. If he is a really close friend, its fine to give a short kiss on the lips, this is only natural in Germany.

When I kissed my male friend, I noticed a flash of light from my peripheral vision, but I did not think it was important. And we went to a coffee shop for coffee and to visit. I have known my friend for all of my life, he is like a brother to me. And I love him in that way.

When I saw my boyfriend later that evening, he was crying. I asked him what was wrong, and he showed this photo of me kissing that other man. This other man was my male friend that I had coffee with several hours earlier. I was quiet for a moment because I was holding back my anger. I wanted to hit my boyfriend so hard because he was showing to me that he did not trust me.

I asked him if he told someone to follow me, and he said no at first. So I asked him where did he get this photo. And then he admitted that yes he asked one of his friends to follow me because I was not always answering his text messages immediately. So in less than a minute, he told me a lie. Now I was more angry.

And he said that he should be the one who is angry because I was cheating on him. And this photo proved it. Then I slapped him because so I was so pissed off by this time. And then I turned to leave. He tried to stop me but I stomped on his foot with my high heels and continued out the door and I drove back to my flat.

I decided not to answer his phone calls for a little while, because I wanted him to think about what happened, and I wanted to cool down, too, because I was so angry at him.

In a few days, I phoned him if he wanted to meet some place in public and talk. And he agreed. I think he was expecting me to apologize to him and to ask for him back.

Instead I asked him why he told his friend to follow me and take that photo. And he said he was suspicious because I never answered his messages right away. And he didnt believe me when I said I was driving and working. So he felt I was seeing another man. And this is why he told his friend to follow me to get evidence that I was cheating on him. When his friend emailed him that photo, he believed the photo was saying I was cheating.

I told him that his actions showed that he did not trust me. And without trust, there is no relationship. And he chose to believe someone else and not me. If he really did love me, he would not have to worry about what I do on my own. I told him that when I love someone, I love him strong and I would never do anything to lose it if that man is so good. Before I can trust someone else, I must trust myself first. This means, I must live in a good way that shows that I love and respect myself. If I do not love and respect myself, then I cannot really love and respect others, either. This means if I was cheating on someone, then I would be cheating on me, too. And I will never knowingly do something bad to myself. So I would never cheat on a man because I am a good person.

I told him that his actions show me he did not trust me. And to have someone follow me around to take photos of me was really really bad, because it was like stalking, too. And that is why I was so angry. If he cannot trust me, he does not love me. So maybe he wants to "own" me somehow. And that is not good, either. He was showing that he is possessive, and this is never good in a relationship.

So he chose to believe that the photo proved to him that I was secretly with another man. But what was worse is that he had his friend follow me around taking photos of me because he did not trust me. And when his friend showed him the photo, he chose to pay attention to his friend and not me.

I said to him that if I were to cheat on him, it would not be in a public place like a coffee shop. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! It would happen very privately in another town. I would use a different name, and maybe even wear a blond wig, and get a hotel room. No one would know! I would do that in private, not in a coffee house in a huge public shopping centre!



But I am a good person so I would never do something like that. Because I believe the way we treat others also affects ourselves, too. If we live honest and honorable lives, this means we are honest with others, too. If we cheat on others, that means we do not honor ourselves and we are not honest with ourselves, either.

Then I told him that the man in the photo is my best friend, whom I have known all of my life since we were little children in Kindergarten. I love him because he is my best "FRIEND! He is like my twin brother!"

Then I took out my compact mirror and put in front of his face. And I asked him, "Do you see this man?"

And he said, "Yes, of course, that is me."

And I answered, "Well this is my new ex-boyfriend! Goodbye!!!!! Now I am going to buy a new blond wig!" LOL!!!

And I left. He called me many bad names but I did not care. I do not need a controlling man in my life. NEVER!! LOL!!

That was an example of when an exboyfriend of mine chose to believe someone else instead of me. It was just a simple friendly kiss in that photo.

If that photo showed me and the man naked in bed, that is another story. Then yes that photo proves someone is cheating.

But I am a good person, I will never cheat or steal the boyfriend from another woman. I respect myself, I love myself. And I will never do anything to knowingly harm myself. And this means I will never do that to another, either. Because what we do to others, we also do to ourselves.

So when I am with a man, I take the time to know him so that we earn each others' trust, and that takes time. Trust is earned.

When you are a good person, you deserve to be with someone good, too. And like "chosnazzy" says, when misunderstandings happen, both of you will be brave enough to talk about it openly and without judgment. And that experience will bring more love to both of you for each other

[lily4567 (deleted)]

`I agree with you Chosnazzy and Loveternal
It's incredible what this has happened to you with this men! lol

[chosnazzy (deleted)]

`And another thing that guys get all crazy about is when they begin a new relationship and they ask their new girlfiend how many guys she was with before him. And if it is a lot of guys, the boyfriend freaks out. That is because he is insecure and has an inferiority complex, which means he is not really ready for a relationship. As he focuses more on the past of his new girlfriend, he is totally missing the present moment. And because of that, he is missing good times with his new girlfriend.

He is not 100% in the new relationship. And this is disrespectful to the new girlfriend. This kind of thing should not matter, because the past is the past, and her past is none of his business. He should be happy that he has her now. So he should be really enjoying this relationship. But he is unable to because he is upset about her past.

I know women freak out, too, when they ask this question of their new boyfriend. But I think it's mostly men who ask it and then freak out. Because most men are immature and have false ideas about what real love is, and they focus too much on the physical attraction and get all crazy weird when guys look at his girlfriend. This could lead to an abusive relationship.

The past is done and over, and what matters most is living in the present moment and being at peace with the past. And when someone does not understand that, that person is not ready for a relationship.

As for me, I never ask this question, because it does not matter to me. Her past is her past, and not mine. Her past is none of my business. And likewise, my past is my past. If I were to focus too much on her past, then I would be disrespecting her. So when I am with a new girlfriend, I am happy and I focus on the present moments. I want us to enjoy each other as much as possible, because we are in love with each other NOW in the present moment, and not the past

[loveternal (deleted)]

`Yes that is so true!! When a man asks me about my past boyfriends, that is a red flag for me. Because my past is none of his concern. But if he wants to know if I am at peace with my past relationships, that is a good sign because it shows that he is possibly an emotionally developed and mature man. Thats why I usually prefer older men. I know that not all older men are emotionally mature, but many are

And yes lily4567, sometimes my life really can get crazy a little bit LOL!!

[chosnazzy (deleted)]

`Exactly! Many times in the beginning of a relationship, people are always acting at their best. And if anyone is only pretending to be nice, eventually they will make a mistake and you will see them for how they really are.

Its like they are wearing a mask of "politeness". But it is only mask, which means they are not really polite. And because they are wearing a mask, that mask will eventually fall off. Like what happened to loveternal. He was acting nice and knew how to impress everyone. But he could not keep his "act" going, and his mask fell off, and his real face showed, which was that he was insecure.

When someone really is emotionally healthy, they do not need to wear any kind of mask. They just ARE "Nice"

[lily4567 (deleted)]

`So Chosnazzy how many women have you had before? Tell me ! lol

Loveternal what would be the ideal man for you now?